Selfish Prayers

Today, I've had an epiphany.

I was thinking (again) about how desperate I am for Riki to be saved, and as I was praying (again) for the Lord to continue the work He's doing in him, leading him to Jesus, I suddenly realised,

The reason I want him to be saved is for me!

How selfish of me. I mean, obviously, I want him to be saved because I love him and I want our marriage and family to be strengthened and rooted in Biblical love and truths. I want him to pray with me before our wedding ceremony; to ask for our friends to pray over us. I want our children to look at us and see a solid couple, in agreement with each other and the Word.  I don't want to be inviting our kids to church with me on a Sunday, to hear them reply, "Well, can't I stay home with Dad and watch football?" It would truly devastate me.

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I want him to be saved because I want to live in peace, in the knowledge that if anything were to happen to him, or me for that matter, I wouldn't have to worry for his soul, because the Lord would already hold it and keep it safe.

I long for him to pray with me and I'm jealous of my friends at church, when they're feeling resentment towards their husbands because they're getting a stronger touch of the Spirit and are on their way to learning God's will for their lives, and the wives are complaining (lovingly, but just exasperated) and I'm inwardly sobbing because I'd give anything to have that problem! I'd give anything for my man to be so caught up in Jesus that I come second to him.


I never thought I'd see the day when I'd say that I want to come second to anything in my husband's life, but I truly would love nothing more than to know that he loves God more than me, and that he prays for and with me and over our children.


So you see, my intentions are there. I want him to be saved and to know the love of God but have you noticed, it's all about me, me, me! "I want this"; "I'd love that", surely that's not the right reason to pray for something. I know it's in God's will for Riki to be saved; it's in God's will for anyone and everyone to be saved, and the amount of prayers I've prayed and (I'm ashamed to say) tests I've tested, have shown me that He wouldn't have brought us together if He had no intention of bringing him to Salvation.

So, as I said, my intentions are there but really, the reason I should be so desperate to see him saved, should be for him. For him to feel the love of God for himself. For him to have eternal life. For him to feel that joy and peace that only the Holy Spirit can bring. For him to have a purpose in his life. For his soul to be saved and preserved, for all eternity.

As soon as I realised this, I took myself to the toilets at work and prayed, as fervently as possible for that moment, and I asked the Lord to forgive my selfishness; to reach out and show Riki what he is missing in his life; to help me to leave it alone - I don't need to keep trying to help.

I think I've had a breakthrough and I'm so excited for what this can mean, now that I'm praying the right prayers, for the right reasons, the Lord can work and answer them, in His own perfect timing, and in His own pre-ordained way.

- Lisa