And allow me to
join in with the works You are doing.
Use me, Lord.
Use me as You
wish.
I surrender myself to Your will.
Father God, I long
to please You
I long for more of
You.
Use me.
Lord, use me.
Copyright - Lisa Davies, November 8th, 2010.
If you use or distribute this work, please keep it in its
entirety, and link back to this page so that the appropriate credit can be
given. Also, please let me know if you do use any of my work, just as a
courtesy. It's great to have feedback :)
Click on the links for the lyrics - sometimes it's better to just read the lyrics rather than listen to the song.
Obviously there are hundreds of songs out there with the words "break" or "broken" in them; these are just some of my favourite examples. Now, I'm not claiming that Evanescence's October is a worship song as such, but it's one of my favourites of theirs, and knowing that Amy Lee is Christian, as well as how I feel when I hear it, I'd be confident that the subject is God.
So what are we singing when we ask to be "broken" and how much do we actually mean it when the words escape from our mouths?
In Psalm 51:17, David states that:
"My
sacrifice [the sacrifice acceptable] to God is a broken spirit;
a
broken and a contrite heart [broken down with sorrow for
sin and humbly
and thoroughly penitent], such, O God,
You will not despise." (AMP)
I don't claim to have been broken by God. I don't claim to have any idea how it feels to be completely broken and totally dependent on Him; to be in constant pain, both physically, spiritually and emotionally.
I do believe I've had a taste of it, though.
If you've read "My Journey", you'll be aware that although I grew up in church, I went away for a while. During this time I entered into a relationship with an unsaved person. He wasn't just unsaved; he was unsupportive and generally, a bully. He bullied me into a lot of things, buying a house with him when I was just 18 years old, is one that I've only just escaped!
When I started going back to church, I felt the conviction of the Holy Ghost. Nobody broached the subject with me and in honesty, no-one was really aware of my situation. It was 100% the conviction of the Spirit. I started to feel that it was wrong to be with this person, and although I wasn't happy anyway, it was difficult. We had been together five years; we had a house and a mortgage; we were "engaged".
Now a lot of cynics would say, "you weren't happy anyway, you'd been looking for an out for years" and I'd agree with this but it was more than that. I felt ill; I felt sick every day; every time I pushed it out of my mind, it would come back with even more force. I never heard the Lord speak directly to me. I wouldn't say I received a "sign" as such. I just knew. I felt it in my soul.
During this time, I spend hours with my face on the floor; the carpet soaked with the tears falling from my eyes; literally sobbing along to songs such as, "Show Me Your Ways" and "I Give You My Heart" by Hillsong. I was desperate for the Lord to speak to me; to prove to me that this was His will and not just mine.
When I finally stepped out in faith, after a lot of prayer, and meetings with my Pastor, chats with the wonderful women in my church, I felt something of a release. I was still ill - vomiting and losing around 3 stones in weight due to the stress and worry. I was exhausted and found myself crying in my mother's arms because I needed to be at church and it was only Saturday. For weeks I sobbed through church meetings, eventually falling asleep across the chairs with my head in my mum's lap - the only time I was at peace enough to rest.
My heart was broken. My body felt broken. My spirit was yearning.
I was convinced that God had a plan; something important that He had in mind for me, right then. I dropped out of university (I'll explain that at a later date) and jumped into seeking the Lord. I was baptised and I had a fire bubbling up in the pit of my stomach; my eyes literally danced when I spoke about my Saviour and I spent every waking moment wishing that someone else would bring up the subject of God, or religion, so that I could talk some more!
That was over four years ago and although God has done some great work in me, I'm still waiting. I've been through difficult seasons, where I've struggled to keep the fire burning, but I'm so grateful to say that I've gotten through it with the grace of God. The passion is still there; the fire has been kindled and I'm as desperate as ever to know God's will in my life. That's why I can say, "Lord, break my heart so that I can enter into Yours!" with all the conviction I have; every fibre of my being!
I can verify that even though it felt like torture - and I believe I only got a small taste of what He will do if we'll allow it - the Lord blesses our obedience. He will give us a little opportunity to follow Him; to step out in faith, and if we shy away or are too stubborn, He can't use us yet. Show Him that you are ready. That you are willing to be His vessel, and just watch what He can do in you!
He needs us to be broken, so that He can build us back up again. So that He can create us in the way He needs, so that we can take His message or complete the tasks He has set aside for us to do!
Like the title of a book I read, which was a great help to me during this time, "If you want to walk on water, you've got to get out of the boat!" (byJohn Ortberg)
If you're not ready to be wholly broken, just ask Him to show you where He needs you. Ask Him to give you a heart that reflects His own. Let me warn you though, one day you're going to be broken; you're going to need to be broken, but don't worry, because Matthew 5:4 says, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted" - Let Him break you so that He can comfort you again; so that He can make you whole! Be blessed, and broken for God! - Lisa
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will
be comforted – Matthew 5:4
I am weary
I am aching inside
from a lifetime, albeit short, of grief
I wallow in self-pity
and somehow
Mix it with a
sense of unfounded pride.
I slumber, but it
is not a restful state
I continue out of
necessity; not ambition
I am nothing
A small, tiny,
insignificant dot on the bright canvas
Of life and
humankind.
I am not special; I have no purpose
I simply live for
the sake of living
A coward.
A deception only
visible through the mirror I cannot convince
My own mind.
I have no drive,
no ambition
I simply don’t
know myself well enough to know what I want
Out of my pitiful
excuse for a life.
I see others, scrambling over job vacancies;
Scanning the
newspapers like a tiger, stalking for its prey
I see women in
power suits; children on paper rounds; male nurses.
The world is a
career world
A world where
doors will open, regardless of gender, race, social class.
A world that
should be my oyster; full of exciting opportunities and experiences
If only I’d reach
out my stubborn hand to take them.
Instead I sit, my
mind firmly rooted in imaginary scenarios and pipe dreams
No concept of
realism;
No idea that my future depends on each choice I make today.
I have no interest
in the real world; no interest in the ordinary.
I am
extraordinary.
I am special.
I am better than
this life
I just need to
find out what is waiting for me.
I do have a purpose
A job that only I
can do
I just don’t know
what it is yet.
But I will.
I was saved when I
called upon the name of the Lord
I reached out to
Him and He comforted me
And gave me the
rest that my aching soul was screaming out for
He loves me
regardless of my career; my aspirations.
He knows
And I am learning
He is all I need.
Copyright - Lisa Davies, October 11th, 2010.
If you use or distribute this work, please keep it in its
entirety, and link back to this page so that the appropriate credit can be
given. Also, please let me know if you do use any of my work, just as a
courtesy. It's great to have feedback :)
Image originally from Deviant Art and adapted by me.
I apologise that my posts are all very personal (and long!) - it wasn't my intention when I started the blog but that's the way it's seemed to become recently. Please stay with me though, and even through my own stories, I pray that each one of you is blessed.
Some of you may know that I've got a degree in Early Childhood Studies. If you wouldn't mind, I'd like to share my thoughts on my career and ask for any guidance you may be able to provide. This has got the potential to go on forever so I'll try to keep it short.
As a child, all I ever wanted to be was an actress; it wholly enveloped me. My mum encouraged my dream but also reminded me to have something to fall back on - she had her own dreams for me and drilled it into me from a young age that I was going to be a lawyer, telling everyone she met of her high hopes for her intelligent daughter. I was around 15 when I realised that this was not what I wanted. It took me another two years to finally break the news to my mum. She asked me what I wanted to do and I was stumped. I had never really had the chance to think about my own career aspirations, living in this fantasy world where I was going to be famous - I didn't need to think about normal jobs. In the meantime I'd lost almost all my confidence and I no longer felt capable of pursuing the dream.
I always admired my teachers and I loved to play classroom with my toys. I made registers and borrowed the huge books from our local library, reading to my toys with a pointer I'd made from a long metal stick. It was the first thought to enter my mind when my mum challenged me about my plans, "I'll be a teacher".
I applied to university, flew through the interview stage and was all set to go when I received my A Level results and was 20 UCAS points short. I was devastated. I knew that if I went to speak to my teacher, I'd break down. I put on a brave face and resolved to go back to sixth form the next year to get me the points and re-apply. I called my Head of Sixth Form a couple of days later and she said that if I'd spoken to her that day, she could have called the university and pulled some strings. She did some searching and managed to find me a place on the Early Childhood Studies course, with a view to doing a 1 year post-graduate teaching route.
Obviously I accepted, but it wasn't what I wanted and I struggled with motivation. I dropped out in my second year (for many reasons, one of which I'm sure I'll go into at a later date) but ended up going back to finish. I struggled on and earned my degree but only getting the lowest classification - a Third Class honour. I didn't get onto the PGCE. Again, I was devastated but I figured that maybe teaching wasn't for me, after all. I went onto children's nursing but had to leave after a month on advice from my dermatologist and occupational health. I tried working in a pharmacy, in admin, using my degree in a nursery, and now I'm in a call centre.
Nothing fits. Nothing feels right. Every time I take a moment to think, I keep coming back to teaching. Is this my heart's desire? Is this what I really want or is it just that it seems like the best option? Is it God trying to reach out to me, and tell me to go into the spiritual battlefield that is our schools? I genuinely don't know. I can apply for a teacher-training programme now, it'll be hard work and possibly unpaid, so I need to know if I'd be doing it for myself or for God. I can get through anything if God is with me; I can't do it on my own back. As Pastor John Kilpatrick said in his Prophetic Message,
"You’ll feel like a bird, all of a sudden, locked
up in a cage and you didn’t feel that way yesterday. You’ll feel desperate to
get out and fly to the place that God’s prepared for you, and the Lord will
open the door." This is exactly how I feel - I'm stuck in a job I don't hate, but it's
not where I feel I should be. There's something else out there for me;
something else I should be doing!
I collect books and classroom ideas. Apparently I look like a teacher. Other than the all-consuming desire I have to be a mother, nothing really excites me like the idea of teaching does. But then I've got all the other questions - how can I teach other religions? I refuse to celebrate Halloween! How can I work in an environment where I can't share my faith; can't wear a cross; can't say a prayer? The only alternative is to work in a Catholic school, but I'm not Catholic - I would feel just as uncomfortable if I had to teach the Hail Mary.
I'm still trying to find myself, and although I long to be used by God - to work in line with His will for me, how can I know if this is my heart's desire for me, or for His Glory? Could this be the Plan for me? Have all these barriers: pages being stuck together in my A Level exam, missing a qustion and bringing my result down a whole grade; not handing in an assignment due to dropping out of uni, earning a 70% but being capped at 40%; my own unbelief in my abilities - have these all been roadblocks from the enemy, trying to pull me away from God's divine calling upon my life? Or was it simply my own idiocy and laziness?
How will I know? Are all these "signs" really from God and I'm just too stubborn to accept them or is it just that I'm looking, so it seems that they're signs?
I'm so confused and I have no idea which way to turn!
I pray that the Lord speaks to me and guides me through this confusion! I also pray that if anyone reading this is going through a similar struggle, the Lord will be our refuge!
Following on from my previous post, Worthy, I thought I'd share a poem I wrote. Again, please forgive the overuse of the word "worthy", but I feel that it is needed in order to illustrate the point!
Worthy
Jesus, You are
worthy.
But then, You
always have been.
How dare I stand
in front of You
And sing that You
are worthy of my praise and adoration?
Lord I should be
grateful; thankful
And I am.
Lord, I am
eternally thankful
That You laid down
Your life for me
You made me worthy
to sing Your praises.
You made me worthy
through Your grace and mercy.
How dare I say
that You are worthy
You are worthier
than anything in this world
And I demean Your
power; Your glory
By implying that
You could ever be anything less.
Holy One, I
apologise
You are worthy
But You also made
me worthy
When I was not.
I was a sinner
Unworthy even to
look upon Your face
And now, Jesus
Because You loved
me
I know You
And You have made
me worthy
To sing Your
praise
And to adore You.
Copyright - Lisa Davies, November 8th, 2010.
If you use or distribute this work, please keep it in its
entirety, and link back to this page so that the appropriate credit can be
given. Also, please let me know if you do use any of my work, just as a
courtesy. It's great to have feedback :)
Firstly, please forgive me - I'm going to be using the word "worthy" a lot here. Also, I'm not trying to dig on anyone. As usual, I'm just trying to iron out my thoughts:
There's hundreds of songs, poems and phrases out there which have the words, "You are worthy" within them.
These songs have lyrics such as "You are worthy of my praise", "You alone are worthy" and "worthy is the Lord". I love these songs, and I sing them with all my heart but something bothers me. It's bothered me for some time now, and although I think I do understand the point of the phrase, I thought I'd share my views anyway.
When did God become unworthy? When did we feel the need to tell Him that He is worthy, worthier than anyone else?
Forgive me, but I think it's pretty disrespectful to belt out how worthy our God is. He already knows that. Nothing has made Him worthy; He just is! We should be singing about how He made us worthy to sing His praises, to even utter His name.
How can we even imply, through our well-meaning worship, that He could ever be anything other than worthy?
I'm not suggesting we stop singing these songs, I'm simply suggesting that we don't let them ruin our image of God, and how awesome He truly is!
I pray that we don't begin to question His greatness and worthiness, because if we do, He might start to question ours - and there's a lot less evidence for our worthiness than there is for His!
I wrote a poem about this exact topic a while ago, if you don't mind, I'll share it in the next post. Just to show you how long it's been on my mind!
I alone know the plans I have for you, plans
to bring you prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future you
hope for.- Jeremiah 29:11
Precious Lord;
Father of all things I see
All things I hear
All things I smell
Almighty creator
of everything.
You knew me before I was.
You knew my mind
You knew my heart
My thoughts and
dreams
My hopes and fears
You knew my
tomorrows when they were my yesterdays
My life is in Your
hands.
Where I am confused
You are enlightened
Where I am weary
You are strong
Where I am meek
You are mighty.
You counted out
the hairs upon my head
You chose the
colour of my eyes
You decided upon
my smile;
My laugh;
My cry.
I am Your precious child and You know
everything about me
You know things I
don’t even know myself
You gave me life
and showered me with Your abundant love
You created
everything so that we, Your children,
Your precious sons
and daughters may be pleased
And blessed by
Your awesome power.
You alone know what lies ahead in my life
And You have
planned meticulously
Every last detail.
There are no
chances
No coincidences.
You want me to
succeed;
You have laid out
the provisions and guided me along
With Your gentle
hand and loving words.
You have protected
me from the turbulent winds of life
You have been my
shelter; my refuge.
You have made me
as I am for a reason
A reason I am not
yet equipped to know.
You will make it
clear when the time is right
Because Your
timing is perfect
You are never a
second late
Or a minute early
You are
perfection.
Until that
glorious day of realisation,
I cleave myself to
Your will
And I will follow
Your plan with a song of praise in my heart!
Copyright - Lisa Davies, February 2009.
If you use or distribute this work, please keep it in its
entirety, and link back to this page so that the appropriate credit can be
given. Also, please let me know if you do use any of my work, just as a
courtesy. It's great to have feedback :)
