You Go Before Me

This afternoon I donned my welly-boots and set off with my 18 month old son for a puddle hunt. We were dressed for rain and splashing but for the duration of our hour-long stroll, the skies were dry and there were no puddles in sight!

We did have a fantastic walk, nonetheless.

Noah is very easily distracted. He's also curious about everything - we call him 'Nosey Noah' and it suits him to a tee!

He's currently going through a bit of a clingy stage, and after the emotional week I've had, I'm certainly grateful for any extra cuddles he's offering! I do try, though, to remind him that he is safe and that I will never, ever leave him. Even when I have to leave him for a moment, I am sure to remind him that I'll be back. I want him to trust me completely; to know that I will love and protect him always.

So we were walking across the local playing field, after having a short break to play on the swings, and he kept stumbling as he was constantly looking behind him. I found myself telling him, "we need to keep our eyes in front of us, baby, keep looking ahead so we know what's coming. Mummy will keep an eye out behind us and make sure you're safe."

That's when it hit me. I am bigger than my toddler. I am his parent. My primary objective is to nurture him and protect him. It is a natural instinct, then, for me to position myself where I am able to see both in front and behind him, as well as all around; to check his path for hazards; and to generally walk with him and be his guide and his shield.

This is what God does for us every day of our lives. Why is the concept of His omnipresence so alien to us when we do everything in our power to be omnipresent for our own children?

In the Word, it tells us that the Lord Himself will go before us (Deuteronomy 31:8) to light our path (Exodus 13:21), and to make the rough places smooth (Isaiah 45:2), and that His eyes are everywhere, keeping watch over us (Proverbs 15:3).

Just as I tucked his tiny hand into mine and felt his fingers wrap around my palm, before pulling him close to me with my hand rested upon his head, I was reminded of Psalm 139:5 that the Lord goes behind us and follows us, and places His hand of blessing upon our heads.

Becoming a mother was my heart's desire, it was all I ever wanted, and I truly believe it is the reason I am here on this earth. I pray over my child, as well as the life currently growing within my womb, that I will be equipped and able to nurture them; to teach them about life, and love, and God. Little did I know all that they would teach me!

Since becoming a parent, I have been able to see a different facet of God's personality. One which I knew of only in theory and in word, but which I am learning more about every day as I develop in my own role as a parent. I pray in thanksgiving for the blessings He has bestowed upon me, yet I am only just scratching the surface! 

I am so grateful to have been entrusted with such a huge and precious role, in raising two sons who I pray will become passionate and dedicated men of God. I am both humbled and excited to learn more about my Father, as I learn more about myself and my children. I am eager to follow where He leads me, and to learn more about Him, together!

My Testimony

This is something I've been working on for a long time, but for some reason, have always struggled to compose. I've always said that I don't feel like I have a testimony. I never really had that "A-ha!" moment where things clicked into place. I just grew up in church. I never had a time where I didn't know God.

I've recently been working through some issues from my past. I've been haunted and really struggling, and was considering speaking to a therapist or counsellor, but I am reminded that I have unrestricted access to THE counsellor!

The Holy Spirit is my confidante. He is my support system. He is my security and my shield. He is my strength. He is my counsellor!

I guess that it seems appropriate to merge the following two topics. I kind of feel that they are linked somehow, anyway.

If you've read My Journey, you'll be familiar with my introduction to Christ. Here's a quick overview:

I grew up from the age of around two, in a very humble, small town Baptist church (UK Baptist, not American Baptist!) I knew all about Jesus. I knew about God. The finer details weren't really very well understood yet, but I knew about how God loved me and that He wanted me to be a good person and follow the narrow path. I considered myself a Christian and would tell everyone about it! I knew lots of Bible stories and songs but they were just stories and songs without understanding or feeling.

I had a couple of years as a teenager where I didn't attend church very regularly. Occasionally I joined my Mum at a Pentecostal church in a nearby town. I still loved God and wanted to be who He wanted me to be, but He wasn't as present in my life as He could have been.

**
Mum, if you're reading this, please stop here for now. I'm not ready to talk about this face-to-face just yet.
**

When I was fifteen, I begrudgingly entered into a relationship with a friend who had been obsessed with me for some time. I didn't like him in that way but our other friends convinced me to give him a chance, just for a few weeks, and see if it turned into anything.

He was controlling and possessive. Jealous and aggressive. I was fifteen and genuinely feared for my life around him.  A few months into our relationship, he took my virginity, without my consent, and then had the audacity to joke and boast about it. My mum's words kept coming back to my mind, "Your dad was my first, and that's how it should be." I was trapped. I was going to have to marry him and stay with him forever. Nobody else would want me now, anyway, and God would consider me yoked to him if we had 'lain together'. Would it be a sin for me to leave him now? Would I be promiscuous? Adulterous? Would I even survive another argument with him where he choked me up against the wall or locked me in the house? What is wrong with me that I get abused at every junction of my life?!

Five years and an unwanted mortgage later, I was still trying to get out. I was now 20 and had missed out on being a teenager. My friends were long gone as he didn't approve. I didn't see much of my family as he didn't like them. I didn't go to church as he didn't trust me. Every day he would go to work and I would pray that he was in a fatal car wreck or a freak accident on the building site. I fantasised about moving all my belongings out before he got home.

I found comfort in a new Bible I secretly bought for myself and sought refuge in the Religion and Spirituality forum on Yahoo Answers. I remember listening to Hillsong on my iPod, kneeling on the floor with tears streaming down my face, as I sought God's will for my life. I begged Him to take the situation out of my hands and to help me. I spent hours at a time, face down in the tear-soaked carpet, crying out for God to show me His will.

Show Me Your Way, and I Give You My Heart were the songs I broke my heart to, singing them with every fiber of my being. Desperately feeling each and every word and praying that He would rescue me.

I didn't know it at the time, but those broken, desperate days are when I became a true Christian. Where I truly opened my heart and invited Jesus in. When I begged Him to take over my life and use me in any way He saw fit for His purpose. I hadn't been to church for years, had given up on the Bible when Deuteronomy became too much to cope with, and my notepad was already full of questions from the first two books! I was lost and broken and without direction, but I became a Christian right there on that carpet.

I started going to the Pentecostal church again, and they were holding revival meetings at a local sports college. I felt God's presence as I never had before. I felt safe. A few weeks later I enquired about being baptised and was asked whether I was a Christian. At this point in my journey, I was very young and believed that I couldn't be a Christian as I hadn't said "the prayer" yet - the special 'becoming a Christian' prayer - I had been very careful throughout all my life to not pray or even read "the prayer" just in case my heart wasn't ready. So that night, with a member of the Pastoral Team, I suppose I officially invited Jesus into my heart and 'became a Christian'.

I spoke with a few members of the church, and had lots of prayer. I laid out mantles and tried to test God's will. One verse that was echoed around me by numerous people, was, Jeremiah 29:11 "“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

A little over a month later I found the strength to leave. It was difficult, and I was ill with stress and anxiety.

Over eight years later, I am happily married to a wonderful man. A man who is kind and considerate, who is respectful and understanding. I feel safe with him. He accepts my flaws, and my weaknesses. He understood and respected my need to wait. He supports my beliefs and respects my faith, and encourages me to make friends. We have a beautiful, intelligent, and happy, one-year-old son and my life is pretty great right now.

 Why, then, am I still afraid when I think I see him or hear his car. Why does his face still haunt my dreams? Why do I struggle with my mind replaying memories I'm desperate to forget?

I don't need a therapist. I need to get on my knees and pray. To talk to the only One who can help me. I don't need medication. I need to set aside the time to feed myself with the Word. I need to pray for a complete renewal of the mind. The enemy tells me I am not worthy, but the Blood of the Lamb screams that I am!

Healing comes in all shapes and sizes, and I have been promised my healing! I stand on the promises of the Most High God, and I claim that healing right now. In Jesus' name!