Re-organising My Beliefs. Part 2

Following on from my previous post (or previous, previous one, as there was another in the interim) I just wanted to take a moment to clarify my 3 main points. That post seemed to run away from me and upon reading it back several days later and with fresh eyes, I found that it comes across as critical, which was not my intention. I won't edit it, because I believe in being accountable for our words, but I will revisit it here. 

So I've been having a few small issues for a long time and decided that I can live with them, but as I've been reading the Word more and really pressing into God in this last few weeks I've found that I'm just really struggling with a few of the larger, more fundamental elements of my specific church or denomination, and I'm a little bit lost in terms of what I believe and where I fit. 

Just to recap for the millionth time: I grew up Baptist and then came to my current Pentecostal church with my mum and a spiritual aunt when I was around 15. It wasn't until I was 18-19 that I really started considering my faith and seeking the Lord for myself, and He met me in my brokenness; I found Him through tears on my living room carpet. I started coming to church again regularly and was baptised in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.

I have recently been advised that this is not biblical and that I should have been baptised in the name of Jesus only, and that I should be baptised again as a matter of urgency. I haven't heard this before but he was very adamant and clear that it is unscriptural. He did give me scriptural evidence but I didn't take notes - I think it was pertaining to Paul baptising people by the name of Jesus as instructed by the Spirit...  

Then, I had a bit of an uncomfortable experience after our Alpha group ended, and where we were each taken into the back room and one by one we were prayed over quite aggressively until we were "baptised with the Holy Spirit" and received the gift of tongues. I felt intimidated and uncomfortable and they weren't stopping so I'm pretty sure I just blurted out a random nonsense word over and over until they were satisfied and declared that we had all been given the "gift of tongues". We were sent home and told to "practice" our new word. (I don't know if it's worth mentioning that I'm the only one left. Everyone else, including the group leaders, have since left our church. Many have not moved on to another and are now unchurched.)

When I've researched the AoG and looked at the Statement of Fundamental Truths, it looks as though tongues is the evidence that one is baptised in the Spirit, and it is an expectation - I don't know if I believe this. It doesn't seem scriptural; I've been looking and can't find anything that says that it is an expectation for every member of the Body of Christ to speak in tongues as and when they like, rather that it is a gift of the Spirit, like prophesying or anything else, and not everyone can or should be doing it, and even when they do, only when the Spirit leads them and not just because. I do not doubt my salvation for a moment, but it seems that some people believe that in order to attain salvation, one must speak in tongues. I can not and will not accept this. I think maybe I think of speaking in tongues as a gift of the Spirit, rather than a fruit of the Spirit? I'm also reminded of 1 Corinthians 14:22 which states that, "Therefore tongues are for a sign, not to those who believe but to unbelievers; but prophesying is not for unbelievers but for those who believe" - I can't see how calling the church to all speak or pray in tongues together fits in to this. Also, what about when someone gives a message in tongues but there is no interpretation? The bible categorically states that if there is no interpretation, the person should consider it a quiet prayer between only themselves and God. 

I've prayed for baptism in the Spirit so many times, and to be honest I assumed that I had been, because when I confided that I thought I was making it up, they told me that of course I wasn't, and it was my spiritual language (I'm pretty sure it's not) I do wonder if perhaps I just haven't really been baptised in the Spirit yet, and so I'm looking at this all from an outside perspective and haven't had my spiritual eyes opened enough yet - but then I worry that I must have by now, and in doubting it, I'm blaspheming against the Spirit 😩

Another thing I'm struggling with is during altar calls. When I was first saved I was the first one up to the altar every time, they could be praying for blind eyes to open or freedom from demons and I would just be there, wanting to soak up every ounce of God that was going spare. I believe in the laying on of hands, but I'm not sure about being "slain in the Spirit". I have to admit that on many occasions I have felt pushed - physically pushed over - and being a young Christian, fairly new to the Pentecostal way, and looking around me and noticing that it seemed to be the order of the day, I just went with it. I don't know if I believe that it's genuine though. Don't get me wrong, I believe that people are overcome by the power of the Holy Spirit, and that he gives people gifts, and tongues, and gives them rest while he ministers to them, I've read in Acts about being in a "trance", but I don't know if I can agree that it happens organically as often as it seems to in charismatic Pentecostalism.

Being “drunk in the spirit” seems to be an oxymoron, and go against scripture. Based on Ephesians 5:18 which says "do not be drunk with wine, in which is dissipation; but be filled with the Spirit". There is a clear contrast between the work of the Spirit and the effects of drunkenness, which is warned against several times. So even though I do wholeheartedly believe in the power and the personhood and deity of the Holy Spirit, I don't know that I can subscribe to some of the manifestations of Him that I see around me at times. (I'm sorry, I feel like I'm being incredibly critical again).

I've been reading my Bible more than ever, and really truly devouring it, not just skimming through and trying to "get through it" like I have done before. I've employed so many other tools and study aids to help me to really deepen my understanding and spend time considering what I'm learning. We are called to test all things and I've been seeking the Lord's wisdom and discernment, but either I can't hear Him or I'm doubting that things are actually coming from Him and thinking that it's me just wanting them to be signs, if that makes sense?

I just don't know where to go from here. I've finally taken the plunge to reach out to my pastor, and I hope that he can give me some real and unbiased advice. 

Everytime I feel like I've made the decision, or have felt prompted in some way to leave my church, I've stayed out of fear or obligation: We've had a number of mass-exodus seasons where a large number of our congregation have left or moved on - I didn't want it to seem like I was jumping on a bandwagon or leaving because my friends did. I always believed that God will bless us who remained steadfast, for our faith and obedience and belief in the vision of our church, but maybe it's actually a stepping stone church; a place where we go to learn and be nourished and grow, and then move on? 

I don't believe that my church have done anything wrong, I just don't know if I actually fit into this denomination. I need to seek clarity. I believe that ones faith is such a personal thing - no two people will have exactly the same beliefs or the same way of practicing them. So maybe all Christians feel a disconnect at some point, but they just take what they want and ignore the rest? If I leave, where will I go? Will I ever find a church which perfectly matches my own beliefs, is that even possible? I could wait for God to lead me but with my track record of not hearing Him, what if I never find another church?

And then I drive into the car park and feel like I'm home. I walk through the door and yes, all of my family and friends have moved on and I'm pretty much alone there now, but still it feels like home, and I feel safe. Maybe it's better than I don't have the distraction of friends and family around me as I seek and worship the Lord anyway. 

I'd appreciate your prayers as I seek wisdom and discernment and the Lord's direction. 

Little Children

Our three children (aged 1-4) are awake before 5am every morning. Not only are they awake for the day, but they wake with such exuberance; they run, and shout, and play, and demand, right from the get-go. I would love just an ounce of their energy!

This morning it was around 5.30am, and the electricity went off for a short while. The boys (2 & 4) were looking around, flicking the light switch, wondering where it had gone. The light flickered twice and they looked up eagerly, but it didn't come back right away. 

After a few short minutes, but what seemed like an eternity to them, I'm sure, the electricity surged back into power and the light came back on as the other electronic devices whirred back to life.

I am not exaggerating when I say that those boys JUMPED for joy! They clapped and shrieked and exclaimed with such a pure and joyful heart. It brought a tear to my eye. The baby was on the floor clapping along, not sure what was happening but knowing that it was something to be excited about and wanting to join in. The boys were rejoicing, and saying, "It's back on, Mummy, the light is back!!"

Oh, to have that joy as a young child! To have that pure and innocent sense of wonder and amazement. Imagine being there and witnessing first-hand the awesome power of Jesus in the flesh, to have been there at the moment that the world was plunged into darkness and then when the Light returned to us, walking and talking; teaching and eating!

Jesus said, in Matthew 18:2-4,

Then Jesus called a little  child to Him, set him in the midst of them,  and said, “Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven.  Therefore whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

Oh Lord, let me come to you as a child! Let me be full of wonder and amazement in You! Let me jump for joy and exclaim to the world that "The Light is here!!" Take away all the grown-up thoughts which inhibit me and encumber my growth in You! Let me never lose my eagerness to seek You; my desire to know You; and my curiosity to learn all You have to teach me!!

Still image taken from S01E03 The Chosen TV Show (find the App in your App Store and watch for free, it is wonderful!)

Time to Move On?

I've had on my heart for a LONG time now, that I may not be in the right church for me. I've shrugged it off many times, and for many reasons, however more and more often lately, it has been such a weight on my heart and I've been so confused and frustrated. 

I feel like I need to state, for the record, that I do love my church. I love the people and the culture, and the feeling of warmth and love and safety and familiarity that I get when I’m there, but I worry that these are all very human; very “heart” reasons, and I don’t think that’s the right reason to stay somewhere I feel that God has called me out of many times over the last ten years. 

I'm going to try to break down what I'm struggling with, and then what I feel like I need to find. 

So, to recap: 

I grew up in a (UK) Baptist church with a congregation of around 40 or 50 people, the average age of the members of the church was probably around 50-60. I felt safe there. I was loved and I felt a kind of ownership of the place as it was my home from such a young age. The minister at the time hurt my family and so we left. 

I then went "into the world" for a little while where I still believed in and prayed to God, and was generally a decent person, but I was out of church and can't say that I really gave much thought to my faith. 

At around 18/19 I was really seeking a relationship with God. I was still confident that I knew the One true God and that I was a Christian but I wanted to explore all avenues so I joined an online forum where I discussed religion and spirituality at great length and really found and solidified my own faith. I bought a Bible and started going to the Pentecostal/AoG church we had visited a few times, many years earlier. 

I struggle to be able to declare my denomination as I don't feel that I completely fit into any. I feel in my heart that as I grew up in a Baptist church, I'm always going to be a Baptist. I currently attend a Pentecostal church, but I don't agree with all of its teachings (more on this below). I think I might be more suited to being Non-Denominational, but is that just a cop out phrase? I don't really understand all the specific differences in terms of theology and doctrine differences. I just love Jesus! Why do we have to complicate it so much?! 

Here's what I believe:

• There is ONE God. The God of Abraham, and Moses - Jehovah. 

• He is One but is a Triune God  – God the Father, God the Son in human form; Jesus, and God the Holy Spirit.

• Jesus is God in human form, He came from heaven to teach and lead us, and He died as a perfect sinless blood sacrifice, for our sins that we might be forgiven and live eternally with God in heaven. He was born to a virgin however Mary was nothing more than a vessel; a wonderful servant of the Lord, like many before and after her.

• Mary is not special and to be revered and worshipped – as I stated above, I believe that she was chosen to fulfil the prophecy and she was obedient and faithful, but I do not subscribe to the Catholic view of her. Also true of Saints, and The Pope, etc. I don’t believe that there are “special” levels of people or areas in heaven. I don’t believe that I can pray to anyone other that God and they’ll hear or intercede for me. I don’t accept that I have to confess my sins to anyone other than God or that anyone other than God can pardon my transgressions.  

• The Holy Spirit was given to the disciples at Pentecost and is still to this day, the living and working manifestation of God in the world. He is His own unique person, but still part of the Trinity.

• The Bible is the Word of God. It is 100% true and though my thoughts have changed on this a few times, I don’t think I believe it to be metaphorical. I believe that it is the literal and inerrant Word of God. 

• The only way to salvation is by believing that Jesus is the son of God, and accepting the gift of salvation He offers by acknowledging that He lived, died for our sin because He loves us, and He was resurrected on the third day. 

• God is benevolent, omnipresent, and omniscient. He is outside of space and time, and He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. He is the VERY SAME God of the Bible and His miracles are still as apparent today as they were back then. 

Here’s what I don’t believe/struggle to accept:

• Speaking in Tongues – let me start by saying that I don’t deny that this is a real gift of the Spirit. However I don’t believe it in the same way that many, particularly in my church and others like it, believe. I remember after our Alpha course had ended, and one at a time, we were each taken into a room with two of the group leaders, who prayed over us to be filled with the Spirit and be given the gift of Tongues. They did not stop until I blurted out some random gobbledygook and I was very uncomfortable and confused, and as a young Christian, I was a little scared to speak out. I remember coming to them a few weeks later and saying that I don’t think I had the Tongues and was worried it was just a word I’d made up. They comforted me and said of course I hadn’t made it up. This was my heavenly language. It wasn’t. I just wanted them to stop. It seems that the ability to speak in tongues on command is some kind of proof that you are filled with the Holy Spirit and is a requirement of the church. I don’t think I believe this. I think it’s a gift of the Spirit, not necessarily a fruit of the Spirit. 

• Going “down” in the Spirit – while I’m on a roll I might as well just get it all out. I’ve probably already lost a few friends after my last point!  Going up for prayer and the laying on of hands, I can get on board with that. I believe that the same God who healed the sick is alive today and that miracles do still happen. People are healed, strongholds are broken, people are saved. However I have answered an altar call on many occasions where I distinctly felt the person (usually a well-meaning elder or wife of one of the pastoral team) push me. I don’t mean like they put a bit of pressure on me so that I could feel them and they were really pressing in to their prayer. I mean they literally pushed me until I fell over and I just went with it because I was young and naive and thought that was what I was supposed to do. Again, I don’t dispute that this probably happens legitimately but not on the level that it seems to, week by week, in these churches. Seriously, some evenings our floor was littered with so many bodies, the police would have started looking for the Kool-Aid.

•I’ve been reading some very troubling things about prosperity gospels and some concerning ideas and theology from some of the big “names” in Christianity who preach what I believe to be wholly inaccurate and dangerous things concerning: angels, same sex marriage, LGBT community, abortion, and others. I will love and respect any human being regardless of their gender, their preferred pronouns, their sexuality, their religion, whatever. But I will not tell them that they are not sinning, because I believe that they are. I aspire to be like Jesus, who would love them but not affirm or accept their lifestyle. 

•Halloween - I do NOT celebrate Halloween and I hate everything that it stands for. I believe in witchcraft and demonic forces and supernatural evil and I do not want any part of it in or around my family. 

So I’m looking for a Bible Believing church who: 

•Loves (but doesn’t exploit) the Holy Spirit. 

•Who believes and is passionate about TRUE worship (I do prefer the live music aspect, too - I feel that I can give more of myself in worship when I feel enveloped in it, if that makes sense)

•Who are not preaching the prosperity gospel or constantly seeking financial gain. 

•Who don’t pander to or set on a pedestal individual preachers or ministries. 

•Who offer opportunities to learn and grow and serve, as well as explore areas I may feel called to or useful in. 

•I want a family feel, with nice people who won’t judge the fact that my husband isn’t a believer (yet), and who will welcome my children and let them run around the sanctuary and have fun and have lots of spiritual aunts and uncles who will love and encourage them. 

•Is it shallow of me to say that I enjoy a vibrant and lively church with lots of diversity amongst its members?! 

•I think I'd be looking for a church with a focus on reaching the lost, and loving the community in tangible ways (ie food banks, community outreach, missions but not just exotic overseas missions that look good on their Facebook page).

•I want a good children's ministry with solid foundational teaching but not indoctrination and fearmongering. 

•Above all, I want a church who's primary focus is to be the physical, tangible force of the LOVE of Jesus to the world of today. A church who will tell you that yes, we are sinners, but that Jesus still died for us, and if we are willing to truly repent, He will forgive us and change us from the inside out. A church who are not afraid of the gospel of Jesus, and who favour righteousness over public acceptance. A church who love the lost, and the broken, and the needy, and who go out of their way to show them that God loves them, too. A church who are not ashamed to say, "I don't know the answer to this but let's work it out together". A church who cares more about the spiritual wellbeing and growth of each individual member, and not about how big or prestigious they are. 

That’s not too much to ask for, is it?! 

It would be so easy to stay where I am, or to go and re-join the Baptist church, I love the current minister there and would consider her a wonderful friend, but I’m not sure that either of those are the right place for the next stage of my walk with the Lord. I’m growing, and I’ve used this time in Lockdown to really delve into the Word again, and I’m starting to come to my own conclusions about what I believe, and not just because someone on a pulpit told me to. 

I wonder if it might be a good idea for me to stay out of church for a while and just focus on my own relationship with God until I feel particularly led to somewhere? I’m historically not very good at hearing God’s voice though so I worry that I’ll never find that fellowship that my heart longs for if I spend all my time waiting and seeking. 

I'm conflicted. And my head hurts. My heart feels heavy. And I don't know what to do.