Broken

"Break my heart for what breaks Yours"
Hosanna - Hillsong

"When there's nothing left of me to offer you except for brokenness. You lift me up"
Find You On My Knees - Kari Jobe
 
"Break what needs breaking, 'til You're all we see"

Start With Me - Meredith Andrews

"Broken, lifeless, I give up. You're my only strength"

October - Evanescence

Click on the links for the lyrics - sometimes it's better to just read the lyrics rather than listen to the song.

Obviously there are hundreds of songs out there with the words "break" or "broken" in them; these are just some of my favourite examples. Now, I'm not claiming that Evanescence's October is a worship song as such, but it's one of my favourites of theirs, and knowing that Amy Lee is Christian, as well as how I feel when I hear it, I'd be confident that the subject is God.

So what are we singing when we ask to be "broken" and how much do we actually mean it when the words escape from our mouths?

In Psalm 51:17, David states that:

"My sacrifice [the sacrifice acceptable] to God is a broken spirit; 

a broken and a contrite heart [broken down with sorrow for 

sin and humbly and thoroughly penitent], such, O God, 

You will not despise." (AMP)

 
I don't claim to have been broken by God. I don't claim to have any idea how it feels to be completely broken and totally dependent on Him; to be in constant pain, both physically, spiritually and emotionally.

I do believe I've had a taste of it, though.

If you've read "My Journey", you'll be aware that although I grew up in church, I went away for a while. During this time I entered into a relationship with an unsaved person. He wasn't just unsaved; he was unsupportive and generally, a bully. He bullied me into a lot of things, buying a house with him when I was just 18 years old, is one that I've only just escaped!

When I started going back to church, I felt the conviction of the Holy Ghost. Nobody broached the subject with me and in honesty, no-one was really aware of my situation. It was 100% the conviction of the Spirit. I started to feel that it was wrong to be with this person, and although I wasn't happy anyway, it was difficult. We had been together five years; we had a house and a mortgage; we were "engaged".

Now a lot of cynics would say, "you weren't happy anyway, you'd been looking for an out for years" and I'd agree with this but it was more than that. I felt ill; I felt sick every day; every time I pushed it out of my mind, it would come back with even more force. I never heard the Lord speak directly to me. I wouldn't say I received a "sign" as such. I just knew. I felt it in my soul.

During this time, I spend hours with my face on the floor; the carpet soaked with the tears falling from my eyes; literally sobbing along to songs such as, "Show Me Your Ways" and "I Give You My Heart" by Hillsong. I was desperate for the Lord to speak to me; to prove to me that this was His will and not just mine.

When I finally stepped out in faith, after a lot of prayer, and meetings with my Pastor, chats with the wonderful women in my church, I felt something of a release. I was still ill - vomiting and losing around 3 stones in weight due to the stress and worry. I was exhausted and found myself crying in my mother's arms because I needed to be at church and it was only Saturday. For weeks I sobbed through church meetings, eventually falling asleep across the chairs with my head in my mum's lap - the only time I was at peace enough to rest.

My heart was broken. My body felt broken. My spirit was yearning.

I was convinced that God had a plan; something important that He had in mind for me, right then. I dropped out of university (I'll explain that at a later date) and jumped into seeking the Lord. I was baptised and I had a fire bubbling up in the pit of my stomach; my eyes literally danced when I spoke about my Saviour and I spent every waking moment wishing that someone else would bring up the subject of God, or religion, so that I could talk some more!

That was over four years ago and although God has done some great work in me, I'm still waiting. I've been through difficult seasons, where I've struggled to keep the fire burning, but I'm so grateful to say that I've gotten through it with the grace of God. The passion is still there; the fire has been kindled and I'm as desperate as ever to know God's will in my life. That's why I can say, "Lord, break my heart so that I can enter into Yours!" with all the conviction I have; every fibre of my being!

I can verify that even though it felt like torture - and I believe I only got a small taste of what He will do if we'll allow it - the Lord blesses our obedience. He will give us a little opportunity to follow Him; to step out in faith, and if we shy away or are too stubborn, He can't use us yet. Show Him that you are ready. That you are willing to be His vessel, and just watch what He can do in you!

He needs us to be broken, so that He can build us back up again. So that He can create us in the way He needs, so that we can take His message or complete the tasks He has set aside for us to do!

Like the title of a book I read, which was a great help to me during this time, "If you want to walk on water, you've got to get out of the boat!" (byJohn Ortberg)

If you're not ready to be wholly broken, just ask Him to show you where He needs you. Ask Him to give you a heart that reflects His own. Let me warn you though, one day you're going to be broken; you're going to need to be broken, but don't worry, because Matthew 5:4 says, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted" - Let Him break you so that He can comfort you again; so that He can make you whole!

Be blessed, and broken for God!
- Lisa