Spend the Day Praying

Hi all!

I hope you don't mind me making a personal post today? I guess they're all pretty personal anyway - it wouldn't be much good me writing about anyone else, would it?!

So I passed my driving theory test! I'm halfway there and now I just have to pass the practical test before I'm a fully licensed driver, it's about time!

Back on March 1st, when I booked my tickets to the Days of Wonder event (also here and mentioned in this post) in Hull, I decided that I would need to pass my driving test in order to get there. It's just not financially feasible for me at the moment to stay in a hotel for the three days, and if I were to get a train there and back every day I'd need to leave early to catch the last train. My family aren't interested in coming so I don't have a lift with them, the only option was to trust in God and get my driving test passed so that I can drive myself.

Now, a wonderful friend from church has offered me a lift, so it would be so easy to sit back and relieve some of the pressure but I have faith in a mighty God and I believe I'll be able to drive by then, if I just push through.

I haven't sat a test or exam since my A Levels, back in 2007 - my degree was all coursework based so I was a little out of practice and, to be honest, quite nervous! I have to admit, I've never been into revision, even at school and sixth form I managed to coast along without putting in much effort (note: I'm not saying this is a good thing - I could have achieved much higher results if I'd tried!) Last night, though, I got a bit nervous and decided to revise a little. It didn't help much; the only way I could see to bring myself back into peace was to pray over it.

I took myself off to the shower to pray, came back to do some more revision and prayed some more. I prayed as I was dropping off to sleep and woke up this morning, praying again. I prayed all the way to my appointment and then as I sat at the computer, ready to take my test, I prayed again. I was so at peace because I knew that God had already pre-determined the course and the outcome. He knew which questions would come up and if I passed, it would be because it was in His Will. I was able to fully submit to the Lord and be able to say "Your will be done", and be at peace with whatever happened. Even so, at every single question, I prayed - either to ask for the Lord's guidance or to thank Him because I knew the answer from my practice tests.

When the test finished, I collected my belongings from my locker and handed back the key. The gentleman then gave me my results: an A4 sheet of paper, folded in half with some kind of booklet inside. I was too scared to look! I went right away to the toilets and prayed over it. Again, I said thank you to the Lord for the experience and for being with me. I accepted that whatever the outcome, it was His will and I would acknowledge and respect it.

I didn't look until I'd met back up with Riki, and here's what I found (I wasn't sure if I should publicise personal things like driving licence number etc, so I just blacked it out)

I thanked the Lord and have been praying prayers of thanksgiving all day. I'm so in awe of the Lord and what He can and will do, if only we'd let Him! There's no way I'd have done this in my own strength and by my own knowledge.

I know that for some people, passing their theory test is not a big deal at all, and it wouldn't have been for me, except that I had so much riding on it. I can't afford to fail if I'm going to be driving to Hull, alone on the motorway, in less than two months!

Now, I've just got to get a little more driving practice and pass the practical part of the test. The law says I have two years, but my heart tells me I have less than two months. There's no earthly way at all that this is possible, but I will pass my test and to God be the glory!

So really, I've had a kind of day of prayer, and I've had such a wonderful day. I'm going to make an effort to spend the day praying more often!

Selfish Prayers

Today, I've had an epiphany.

I was thinking (again) about how desperate I am for Riki to be saved, and as I was praying (again) for the Lord to continue the work He's doing in him, leading him to Jesus, I suddenly realised,

The reason I want him to be saved is for me!

How selfish of me. I mean, obviously, I want him to be saved because I love him and I want our marriage and family to be strengthened and rooted in Biblical love and truths. I want him to pray with me before our wedding ceremony; to ask for our friends to pray over us. I want our children to look at us and see a solid couple, in agreement with each other and the Word.  I don't want to be inviting our kids to church with me on a Sunday, to hear them reply, "Well, can't I stay home with Dad and watch football?" It would truly devastate me.

StyleMePretty.com

I want him to be saved because I want to live in peace, in the knowledge that if anything were to happen to him, or me for that matter, I wouldn't have to worry for his soul, because the Lord would already hold it and keep it safe.

I long for him to pray with me and I'm jealous of my friends at church, when they're feeling resentment towards their husbands because they're getting a stronger touch of the Spirit and are on their way to learning God's will for their lives, and the wives are complaining (lovingly, but just exasperated) and I'm inwardly sobbing because I'd give anything to have that problem! I'd give anything for my man to be so caught up in Jesus that I come second to him.


I never thought I'd see the day when I'd say that I want to come second to anything in my husband's life, but I truly would love nothing more than to know that he loves God more than me, and that he prays for and with me and over our children.


So you see, my intentions are there. I want him to be saved and to know the love of God but have you noticed, it's all about me, me, me! "I want this"; "I'd love that", surely that's not the right reason to pray for something. I know it's in God's will for Riki to be saved; it's in God's will for anyone and everyone to be saved, and the amount of prayers I've prayed and (I'm ashamed to say) tests I've tested, have shown me that He wouldn't have brought us together if He had no intention of bringing him to Salvation.

So, as I said, my intentions are there but really, the reason I should be so desperate to see him saved, should be for him. For him to feel the love of God for himself. For him to have eternal life. For him to feel that joy and peace that only the Holy Spirit can bring. For him to have a purpose in his life. For his soul to be saved and preserved, for all eternity.

As soon as I realised this, I took myself to the toilets at work and prayed, as fervently as possible for that moment, and I asked the Lord to forgive my selfishness; to reach out and show Riki what he is missing in his life; to help me to leave it alone - I don't need to keep trying to help.

I think I've had a breakthrough and I'm so excited for what this can mean, now that I'm praying the right prayers, for the right reasons, the Lord can work and answer them, in His own perfect timing, and in His own pre-ordained way.

- Lisa

Poem - Emptiness

This poem documents the start of my true Christian journey - not as a child who knew of God, but as an adult, after having been away from God and just returning to church, and feeling, for the first time, a touch of the Holy Spirit, stirring something within me. The confusion but amazing lightness I felt was difficult to capture in words but I tried.

Emptiness

I used to feel lonely; alone in the dark

I used to long for loving arms to envelop me in unparalleled warmth.

I used to sit for hours, covered in salty droplets from my glistening eyes

I could never have guessed what the emptiness was;
Where the hole inside my body had stemmed from.

One evening the tears flowed, betraying me
And the smile I relied on for so long to conceal myself.

These tears were different; wetter somehow,

Almost lighter and more refreshing.

 I sat in confusion, not knowing why they had appeared this time.

My nemesis; these tiny drops of water coming from within myself

Coming from a place that my smile couldn’t fool

Coming from, dare I say it, God Almighty?

But why would He be interested in me?

Why would He force these tears, these somewhat kinder tears,
Out of my young eyes?

Why, when I thought of Him was I somehow happier, more satiated?

Could He be what was missing from my life?

Could He really be the deep, intense yearning I feel within my chest and my stomach?

Is He reaching out His hand, asking me, His wayward daughter,

To take it and return home; another chance?

I already knew God. I knew Jesus; a great man – the son of God.

But He wanted me to know Him more.

He wanted me to truly know Him;
An intimate relationship with the One who created me

My Gepetto, my Father.

Only when I could understand, could gather my tiny little mind around Him wanting me as much as I needed Him, did I accept Him fully.

I could feel the tears draining from my body; could feel my soul expanding
My heart mending.

The void inside me filling.

Jesus Christ came into my life and now

I’m never alone.

Copyright - Lisa Davies, October 11^th, 2010.

If you use or distribute this work, please keep it in its entirety, and link back to this page so that the appropriate credit can be given. Also, please let me know if you do use any of my work, just as a courtesy. It's great to have feedback :)

Poem - Look at Me

I thought I ought to just get these out there without making much of a fuss. If you're interested in it, feel free to read, but again, it's a non-Christian poem, written to describe that feeling of empitness (I have a fair amount of poems on similar topics to this but didn't really want to share them as they're not my Christian, prayer-type poems, but they still show my journey so maybe they're relevent, I don't know).

Look at Me

 When you look at me

Look into my eyes

Past the mask I wear in public

And really see me

Tell me, what is it that you see?

Is it the little girl, trapped inside

The body of a young woman?

Longing to get out so that she can

Experience all the things she missed out on

All those years ago.

Or do you see what I want you to see;

A strong, independent woman

Who never falters, never struggles.

Who cries only in the most extreme of circumstances.

The truth is, even I am unsure

Of which is the real me.

Some days I feel like the fragile little china doll,

Where even the smallest of provocations

Will shatter me into a thousand pieces

That can never be put back together.

A real life Humpty Dumpty.

Only very occasionally do I return

To the grown up world where the mask

Is glued firmly on and my emotions

Are locked up in the safe that is my heart.

Have you ever wondered, half-heartedly,

Why I enjoy walking in the rain?

Why I spend such a long time in the shower?

Nobody sees the tears when it’s raining.

Nobody hears the body-heaving sobs

Over the sound of the dripping water.

Copyright - Lisa Davies, July 21st, 2010.

If you use or distribute this work, please keep it in its entirety, and link back to this page so that the appropriate credit can be given. Also, please let me know if you do use any of my work, just as a courtesy. It's great to have feedback :)

 

Poem - Nobody

Another non-Christian poem in that I didn't write it after prayer or meditation and it's not very uplifting but after my last post, I thought I'd share it anyway, as it kind of describes the way I've been feeling lately, although it was written almost three years ago (I tend to go through these phases).

Nobody

Nobody understands.

Nobody even notices that my life is

Slowly spiralling into a downward pit

And it is impossible to swim back to the

Open air that was once my happiness.

Nobody looks at me deep enough

To see the emptiness in my eyes

Nobody listens closely enough

To hear the hollow sound

Radiating from my mouth.

It is only after my eyes deceive me

And allow the salty tears to escape from

Their prison of my eyes

Only then does anyone notice

And their tone is accusatory

“Are you crying?”

Before they demand to know a motive

Like a detective, questioning his convict

Incessantly delivering scenarios

For me to shake my head to

They don’t get it

They can’t accept my answer

When I tell them the truth

I simply don’t know.

Copyright - Lisa Davies, July 21st, 2010.

If you use or distribute this work, please keep it in its entirety, and link back to this page so that the appropriate credit can be given. Also, please let me know if you do use any of my work, just as a courtesy. It's great to have feedback :)

Joy?

I've got an apology to make to you all.

I've been so tangled up in my own self-pity that I've basically abandoned everyone and everything.

As you're aware, I've felt that I've been approaching something of a breakthrough. I was excited and full of anticipation for what was coming. I could feel the Lord working something in my life and my healing was finally starting to manifest itself in the physical sense. My driving lessons were going well and I was starting to get comfortable enough to put some of my wages aside to start getting myself out of my overdrafts. The Lord's hand has been evident over my partner's life and I was genuinely living day-by-day in total faith.

Obviously, the enemy was getting restless and felt so small and desperate that he thought he'd step in and throw some roadblocks in my way.  I'm ashamed to say that I succumbed to his plot and I allowed myself to accept his lies, even just for a little while.

This past week I've been so low that I've literally been breaking down in tears, for no apparent reason. I've been absolutely fine one minute and then the very next second, there have been tears rolling down my cheeks and when Riki asked what was wrong, I couldn't give him an answer. My mum suffered with clinical depression for 20 years, starting just after I was born (no correlation, apparently!) so it would be easy for me to make an excuse and say, "it's in my genes", but I refuse to accept that. The Lord is stronger and greater than any condition and even if I did have a slightly higher chance of becoming depressed, I'd trust my God more than a little blue 10mg of Valium!

 In honesty, I think it's just a mixture of things getting on top of me and because I've always had to be the "strong one" in my family, I've become great at putting on a smile and a mask and pretending that I actually am strong and have things under control. Sometimes though, we break and genuinely need to become vulnerable to God so that He can step in and comfort us as His children. I think that this has been the case this week. My mask has cracked and all those feelings, emotions, worries and fears have come pouring out of me - no longer bottled up and bubbling over. It was only a matter of time. I'm so thankful that I have a merciful God who can and wants to take my baggage on His shoulders. Who loves me so much that He reminds me in one of my favourite scriptures,

"Come to me all, all you who labour and are 

heavy-laden and overburdened, and I 

will cause you to rest. [I will ease and 

relieve and refresh your souls.]"

Matthew 11:28 (AMP)

My first "real" hand cream!

My skin started to get dry (just from the weather, not eczema) and in my stubbornness I refused to use any of my moisturiser creams, because I've been healed and I'd be a hypocrite after my post here. What I realised, though, was that almost everyone gets dry skin occasionally, and really, I didn't need to use the prescribed, medicated creams I had - I could go out and buy a "real" hand cream, why be given this wonderful gift of freedom and healing if I'm still putting barriers up but instead of saying, "I can't use that, I'm allergic to it", I was saying "I can't use that because I've been healed". So yes, I bought myself a hand cream, and my hands are beautiful and soft. Not quite perfect yet but I stomped right on the enemy's head when he tried getting me to doubt my gift of healing!


I'm praying to feel that joy again, I know that God wants me to have joy and peace in the Holy Spirit (see Romans 14:17; 15:13 and Galatians 5:22)and I've had such a difficult time that I've forgotten that joy is another free gift I have been given - it's not something I have to earn or work for, it is a right and an expectation.  I just need to remember to give all my worries to God - nothing is too much for Him and what lies on my shoulders and physically, mentally and emotionally cripples me, is nothing more than a grain of sand to Him. I guess if I could give myself any advice, it would be to, "trust in the Lord and rely on His strength, not my own", after all, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13 - NKJV).

I've been getting impatient with Riki, too. I know that this is not good, and I know that I need to trust in God and His promises, but it is difficult. I know that it is in God's plan for Riki to be saved - He wouldn't have created him without the knowledge that he would become saved at one point, after all, this is our sole reason for being here on this earth, to glorify and bless our God! I can see His hand on Riki and I know that He's working in him but I can't help myself from making little comments and generally just trying to help God in His work - and we all know how that can work out, (just look at Abraham, trying to "help" in God's promise of descendants by sleeping with Hagar and having Ishmael - see Genesis 16 [esp. v12])

I've read "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn, and I have to say, the first time I picked it up a few years ago, I couldn't really get into or appreciate it. This time, I devoured it (this is becoming common recently! I can't get enough of my books - as evidenced in my last post, here). It certainly gave me a lot to think about and I'm so excited for Riki to be saved. I've actually got a whole post planned on that topic so I won't go any further into it for now. Coming back to the book, though, it's great - it has genuinely made me think more about how our actions (or lack thereof) can affect the men in our lives, even when they don't show it. It's refreshing to read something so frank and honest and enables us to understand that men do, in fact, work completely differently to women! I feel that I understand Riki a lot more after reading this book.

So that's what's been going on whilst I've been AWOL - I'm happy to report that I feel that I've turned a corner again and I'm much more well prepared to deal with the enemy's cunning and deceptive plans. I certainly wouldn't say "no" to any prayer offers, though, if anyone is willing!

Have a blessed week,
Lisa

Bibliophiles Anonymous

I just thought I'd drop a little post to let you all know that I haven't abandoned ship! I've still got my notebook full of topics to share but everytime I sit down to share one, nothing feels right. I hope this means that the Lord is working and He has something important for me to share - I'm praying to find out what it is!

In the meantime, I've been busy doing a spot of online shopping. I'm a bit of a dream consumer, apparently. I like to have matching sets and it just doesn't sit right with me if my toothbrush is a different brand to my toothpaste. I don't think I have a shopping problem (I'm not financially comfortable enough for that!) but when payday comes around, I like to get a few things I've had my eye on.

Most girls I know would take a trip to the shopping mall or high street, and I'm not going to lie, I did buy some new shoes, even though they were very cheap. However, I'm not like most girls I know - I'd rather spend my money on books (and I'm saving to buy a proper pair of cowboy boots, imported over from the US).

I bought an Amplified version of the Bible that I've been desperately wanting for quite a few months now. I have a couple of other translations but I've been using the online version of the AMP Bible on my phone for a while as I love it. I also bought a small pocket-sized New Testament so that I can carry it around with me. I struggle to read it at work because I'm not allowed to use my phone and I didn't fancy taking another huge book in my bag - my shoulders already hate me!

A lady at our church read a story called "You Are Special" on Mother's Day and I fell in love with it so I bought it to go in the ever increasing collection of books I've started for my own future children!

I also bought one named "Jesus Heals" and another called "The Week that Led to Easter" - I have a bit of a bone to pick about Easter. I mean, I appreciate that the Christmas story is a much "nicer" story to teach our children but really, the Easter story is central to our beliefs! Where are the Easter plays, the Easter concerts and all the other fun, jovial things our children have at school during the Christmas period?

I decided a few years ago that my Brownie pack would be doing an Easter play, instead of a Christmas play, and it went brilliantly. "Remembering Easter" was a play I wrote it myself, my mum made the costumes and Riki video-recorded it - we sold the DVDs to their families to raise funds for their summer trip! The girls loved it, as did their parents, and we were able to teach them the true meaning of Easter in a fun way.

Because I bought a few books from this website, they gave me a free English Standard Version. That's great, I didn't even have one of those! I also saved £3 with a voucher they sent me, and free delivery. Any more savings and they'd have been paying me!

As I've mentioned in a previous post, I've been so excited for Steve Hill's "Spiritual Avalanche: The Threat of False Teachings That Could Destroy Millions" I think it's going to be great - really refreshing and just what we need in these last days. So I finally ordered it, and another I've had my eye on for a while, "Essential Guide to Healing", by Bill Johnson and Randy Clark.

As a side note, I've been watching Paul Hollywood's "Bread" on BBC2 and if you know me, you'll know that I absolutely love bread! I don't know what I'd do if I ever became wheat-intolerant, I don't think I could live without bread. Sometimes I don't even want to ruin it by putting anything on it, so I just have bread and butter! Anyway, now that I've made myself sound suitably crazy, I'll tell you that I also bought his book of the same name. Is it odd how excited I get about bread?!

Well, I guess you'd expect me to be all booked out (as well as space-and-cashed out, both of which I'm rapidly becoming) but no, I just bought another two books this evening - what's wrong with me?!

I heard an interview on GodTube with Carrie Underwood and her Hockey player husband, Mike Fisher, where they were sharing their faith with Oprah and they mentioned a book called "The Purpose Driven Life". I've heard of this book and I could have sworn that I had it but I can't find it anywhere. Now that I'm writing that I just bought it, I have a feeling my mum has a copy of it. Oops.

I also bought a copy of "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer, in the hopes that it will help me to renew my mind and learn to control my own thoughts - Satan keeps trying to weed his way into my mind and try as I might to stamp on him, sometimes the thought comes through and I'm left hating myself for even thinking such terrible things.

So you see, the books I've bought are useful and I think I'll be blessed by them, and possibly even be able to bless others (if I ever learn to bake bread, or just by passing them on when I've finished with them!) The majority of the books I buy are second-hand - I like the idea that it's been used and loved by someone else before me, and then I can pass it on and allow it to bless someone else.

With this in mind, I like to think that I'm not wasteful and that although I've bought a fair few books this last week, they've all been bought with good intentions and - does it sound like I'm trying to make excuses now? I'll just stop there!

Praying that I'll have something a little more thoughtful to share with you soon,
- Lisa