Time to Move On?

I've had on my heart for a LONG time now, that I may not be in the right church for me. I've shrugged it off many times, and for many reasons, however more and more often lately, it has been such a weight on my heart and I've been so confused and frustrated. 

I feel like I need to state, for the record, that I do love my church. I love the people and the culture, and the feeling of warmth and love and safety and familiarity that I get when I’m there, but I worry that these are all very human; very “heart” reasons, and I don’t think that’s the right reason to stay somewhere I feel that God has called me out of many times over the last ten years. 

I'm going to try to break down what I'm struggling with, and then what I feel like I need to find. 

So, to recap: 

I grew up in a (UK) Baptist church with a congregation of around 40 or 50 people, the average age of the members of the church was probably around 50-60. I felt safe there. I was loved and I felt a kind of ownership of the place as it was my home from such a young age. The minister at the time hurt my family and so we left. 

I then went "into the world" for a little while where I still believed in and prayed to God, and was generally a decent person, but I was out of church and can't say that I really gave much thought to my faith. 

At around 18/19 I was really seeking a relationship with God. I was still confident that I knew the One true God and that I was a Christian but I wanted to explore all avenues so I joined an online forum where I discussed religion and spirituality at great length and really found and solidified my own faith. I bought a Bible and started going to the Pentecostal/AoG church we had visited a few times, many years earlier. 

I struggle to be able to declare my denomination as I don't feel that I completely fit into any. I feel in my heart that as I grew up in a Baptist church, I'm always going to be a Baptist. I currently attend a Pentecostal church, but I don't agree with all of its teachings (more on this below). I think I might be more suited to being Non-Denominational, but is that just a cop out phrase? I don't really understand all the specific differences in terms of theology and doctrine differences. I just love Jesus! Why do we have to complicate it so much?! 

Here's what I believe:

• There is ONE God. The God of Abraham, and Moses - Jehovah. 

• He is One but is a Triune God  – God the Father, God the Son in human form; Jesus, and God the Holy Spirit.

• Jesus is God in human form, He came from heaven to teach and lead us, and He died as a perfect sinless blood sacrifice, for our sins that we might be forgiven and live eternally with God in heaven. He was born to a virgin however Mary was nothing more than a vessel; a wonderful servant of the Lord, like many before and after her.

• Mary is not special and to be revered and worshipped – as I stated above, I believe that she was chosen to fulfil the prophecy and she was obedient and faithful, but I do not subscribe to the Catholic view of her. Also true of Saints, and The Pope, etc. I don’t believe that there are “special” levels of people or areas in heaven. I don’t believe that I can pray to anyone other that God and they’ll hear or intercede for me. I don’t accept that I have to confess my sins to anyone other than God or that anyone other than God can pardon my transgressions.  

• The Holy Spirit was given to the disciples at Pentecost and is still to this day, the living and working manifestation of God in the world. He is His own unique person, but still part of the Trinity.

• The Bible is the Word of God. It is 100% true and though my thoughts have changed on this a few times, I don’t think I believe it to be metaphorical. I believe that it is the literal and inerrant Word of God. 

• The only way to salvation is by believing that Jesus is the son of God, and accepting the gift of salvation He offers by acknowledging that He lived, died for our sin because He loves us, and He was resurrected on the third day. 

• God is benevolent, omnipresent, and omniscient. He is outside of space and time, and He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. He is the VERY SAME God of the Bible and His miracles are still as apparent today as they were back then. 

Here’s what I don’t believe/struggle to accept:

• Speaking in Tongues – let me start by saying that I don’t deny that this is a real gift of the Spirit. However I don’t believe it in the same way that many, particularly in my church and others like it, believe. I remember after our Alpha course had ended, and one at a time, we were each taken into a room with two of the group leaders, who prayed over us to be filled with the Spirit and be given the gift of Tongues. They did not stop until I blurted out some random gobbledygook and I was very uncomfortable and confused, and as a young Christian, I was a little scared to speak out. I remember coming to them a few weeks later and saying that I don’t think I had the Tongues and was worried it was just a word I’d made up. They comforted me and said of course I hadn’t made it up. This was my heavenly language. It wasn’t. I just wanted them to stop. It seems that the ability to speak in tongues on command is some kind of proof that you are filled with the Holy Spirit and is a requirement of the church. I don’t think I believe this. I think it’s a gift of the Spirit, not necessarily a fruit of the Spirit. 

• Going “down” in the Spirit – while I’m on a roll I might as well just get it all out. I’ve probably already lost a few friends after my last point!  Going up for prayer and the laying on of hands, I can get on board with that. I believe that the same God who healed the sick is alive today and that miracles do still happen. People are healed, strongholds are broken, people are saved. However I have answered an altar call on many occasions where I distinctly felt the person (usually a well-meaning elder or wife of one of the pastoral team) push me. I don’t mean like they put a bit of pressure on me so that I could feel them and they were really pressing in to their prayer. I mean they literally pushed me until I fell over and I just went with it because I was young and naive and thought that was what I was supposed to do. Again, I don’t dispute that this probably happens legitimately but not on the level that it seems to, week by week, in these churches. Seriously, some evenings our floor was littered with so many bodies, the police would have started looking for the Kool-Aid.

•I’ve been reading some very troubling things about prosperity gospels and some concerning ideas and theology from some of the big “names” in Christianity who preach what I believe to be wholly inaccurate and dangerous things concerning: angels, same sex marriage, LGBT community, abortion, and others. I will love and respect any human being regardless of their gender, their preferred pronouns, their sexuality, their religion, whatever. But I will not tell them that they are not sinning, because I believe that they are. I aspire to be like Jesus, who would love them but not affirm or accept their lifestyle. 

•Halloween - I do NOT celebrate Halloween and I hate everything that it stands for. I believe in witchcraft and demonic forces and supernatural evil and I do not want any part of it in or around my family. 

So I’m looking for a Bible Believing church who: 

•Loves (but doesn’t exploit) the Holy Spirit. 

•Who believes and is passionate about TRUE worship (I do prefer the live music aspect, too - I feel that I can give more of myself in worship when I feel enveloped in it, if that makes sense)

•Who are not preaching the prosperity gospel or constantly seeking financial gain. 

•Who don’t pander to or set on a pedestal individual preachers or ministries. 

•Who offer opportunities to learn and grow and serve, as well as explore areas I may feel called to or useful in. 

•I want a family feel, with nice people who won’t judge the fact that my husband isn’t a believer (yet), and who will welcome my children and let them run around the sanctuary and have fun and have lots of spiritual aunts and uncles who will love and encourage them. 

•Is it shallow of me to say that I enjoy a vibrant and lively church with lots of diversity amongst its members?! 

•I think I'd be looking for a church with a focus on reaching the lost, and loving the community in tangible ways (ie food banks, community outreach, missions but not just exotic overseas missions that look good on their Facebook page).

•I want a good children's ministry with solid foundational teaching but not indoctrination and fearmongering. 

•Above all, I want a church who's primary focus is to be the physical, tangible force of the LOVE of Jesus to the world of today. A church who will tell you that yes, we are sinners, but that Jesus still died for us, and if we are willing to truly repent, He will forgive us and change us from the inside out. A church who are not afraid of the gospel of Jesus, and who favour righteousness over public acceptance. A church who love the lost, and the broken, and the needy, and who go out of their way to show them that God loves them, too. A church who are not ashamed to say, "I don't know the answer to this but let's work it out together". A church who cares more about the spiritual wellbeing and growth of each individual member, and not about how big or prestigious they are. 

That’s not too much to ask for, is it?! 

It would be so easy to stay where I am, or to go and re-join the Baptist church, I love the current minister there and would consider her a wonderful friend, but I’m not sure that either of those are the right place for the next stage of my walk with the Lord. I’m growing, and I’ve used this time in Lockdown to really delve into the Word again, and I’m starting to come to my own conclusions about what I believe, and not just because someone on a pulpit told me to. 

I wonder if it might be a good idea for me to stay out of church for a while and just focus on my own relationship with God until I feel particularly led to somewhere? I’m historically not very good at hearing God’s voice though so I worry that I’ll never find that fellowship that my heart longs for if I spend all my time waiting and seeking. 

I'm conflicted. And my head hurts. My heart feels heavy. And I don't know what to do.