So I've been having a few small issues for a long time and decided that I can live with them, but as I've been reading the Word more and really pressing into God in this last few weeks I've found that I'm just really struggling with a few of the larger, more fundamental elements of my specific church or denomination, and I'm a little bit lost in terms of what I believe and where I fit.
Just to recap for the millionth time: I grew up Baptist and then came to my current Pentecostal church with my mum and a spiritual aunt when I was around 15. It wasn't until I was 18-19 that I really started considering my faith and seeking the Lord for myself, and He met me in my brokenness; I found Him through tears on my living room carpet. I started coming to church again regularly and was baptised in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.
I have recently been advised that this is not biblical and that I should have been baptised in the name of Jesus only, and that I should be baptised again as a matter of urgency. I haven't heard this before but he was very adamant and clear that it is unscriptural. He did give me scriptural evidence but I didn't take notes - I think it was pertaining to Paul baptising people by the name of Jesus as instructed by the Spirit...
Then, I had a bit of an uncomfortable experience after our Alpha group ended, and where we were each taken into the back room and one by one we were prayed over quite aggressively until we were "baptised with the Holy Spirit" and received the gift of tongues. I felt intimidated and uncomfortable and they weren't stopping so I'm pretty sure I just blurted out a random nonsense word over and over until they were satisfied and declared that we had all been given the "gift of tongues". We were sent home and told to "practice" our new word. (I don't know if it's worth mentioning that I'm the only one left. Everyone else, including the group leaders, have since left our church. Many have not moved on to another and are now unchurched.)
When I've researched the AoG and looked at the Statement of Fundamental Truths, it looks as though tongues is the evidence that one is baptised in the Spirit, and it is an expectation - I don't know if I believe this. It doesn't seem scriptural; I've been looking and can't find anything that says that it is an expectation for every member of the Body of Christ to speak in tongues as and when they like, rather that it is a gift of the Spirit, like prophesying or anything else, and not everyone can or should be doing it, and even when they do, only when the Spirit leads them and not just because. I do not doubt my salvation for a moment, but it seems that some people believe that in order to attain salvation, one must speak in tongues. I can not and will not accept this. I think maybe I think of speaking in tongues as a gift of the Spirit, rather than a fruit of the Spirit? I'm also reminded of 1 Corinthians 14:22 which states that, "Therefore tongues are for a sign, not to those who believe but to unbelievers; but prophesying is not for unbelievers but for those who believe" - I can't see how calling the church to all speak or pray in tongues together fits in to this. Also, what about when someone gives a message in tongues but there is no interpretation? The bible categorically states that if there is no interpretation, the person should consider it a quiet prayer between only themselves and God.
I've prayed for baptism in the Spirit so many times, and to be honest I assumed that I had been, because when I confided that I thought I was making it up, they told me that of course I wasn't, and it was my spiritual language (I'm pretty sure it's not) I do wonder if perhaps I just haven't really been baptised in the Spirit yet, and so I'm looking at this all from an outside perspective and haven't had my spiritual eyes opened enough yet - but then I worry that I must have by now, and in doubting it, I'm blaspheming against the Spirit 😩
Another thing I'm struggling with is during altar calls. When I was first saved I was the first one up to the altar every time, they could be praying for blind eyes to open or freedom from demons and I would just be there, wanting to soak up every ounce of God that was going spare. I believe in the laying on of hands, but I'm not sure about being "slain in the Spirit". I have to admit that on many occasions I have felt pushed - physically pushed over - and being a young Christian, fairly new to the Pentecostal way, and looking around me and noticing that it seemed to be the order of the day, I just went with it. I don't know if I believe that it's genuine though. Don't get me wrong, I believe that people are overcome by the power of the Holy Spirit, and that he gives people gifts, and tongues, and gives them rest while he ministers to them, I've read in Acts about being in a "trance", but I don't know if I can agree that it happens organically as often as it seems to in charismatic Pentecostalism.
Being “drunk in the spirit” seems to be an oxymoron, and go against scripture. Based on Ephesians 5:18 which says "do not be drunk with wine, in which is dissipation; but be filled with the Spirit". There is a clear contrast between the work of the Spirit and the effects of drunkenness, which is warned against several times. So even though I do wholeheartedly believe in the power and the personhood and deity of the Holy Spirit, I don't know that I can subscribe to some of the manifestations of Him that I see around me at times. (I'm sorry, I feel like I'm being incredibly critical again).
I've been reading my Bible more than ever, and really truly devouring it, not just skimming through and trying to "get through it" like I have done before. I've employed so many other tools and study aids to help me to really deepen my understanding and spend time considering what I'm learning. We are called to test all things and I've been seeking the Lord's wisdom and discernment, but either I can't hear Him or I'm doubting that things are actually coming from Him and thinking that it's me just wanting them to be signs, if that makes sense?
I just don't know where to go from here. I've finally taken the plunge to reach out to my pastor, and I hope that he can give me some real and unbiased advice.
Everytime I feel like I've made the decision, or have felt prompted in some way to leave my church, I've stayed out of fear or obligation: We've had a number of mass-exodus seasons where a large number of our congregation have left or moved on - I didn't want it to seem like I was jumping on a bandwagon or leaving because my friends did. I always believed that God will bless us who remained steadfast, for our faith and obedience and belief in the vision of our church, but maybe it's actually a stepping stone church; a place where we go to learn and be nourished and grow, and then move on?
I don't believe that my church have done anything wrong, I just don't know if I actually fit into this denomination. I need to seek clarity. I believe that ones faith is such a personal thing - no two people will have exactly the same beliefs or the same way of practicing them. So maybe all Christians feel a disconnect at some point, but they just take what they want and ignore the rest? If I leave, where will I go? Will I ever find a church which perfectly matches my own beliefs, is that even possible? I could wait for God to lead me but with my track record of not hearing Him, what if I never find another church?
And then I drive into the car park and feel like I'm home. I walk through the door and yes, all of my family and friends have moved on and I'm pretty much alone there now, but still it feels like home, and I feel safe. Maybe it's better than I don't have the distraction of friends and family around me as I seek and worship the Lord anyway.
I'd appreciate your prayers as I seek wisdom and discernment and the Lord's direction.
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