My Testimony

This is something I've been working on for a long time, but for some reason, have always struggled to compose. I've always said that I don't feel like I have a testimony. I never really had that "A-ha!" moment where things clicked into place. I just grew up in church. I never had a time where I didn't know God.

I've recently been working through some issues from my past. I've been haunted and really struggling, and was considering speaking to a therapist or counsellor, but I am reminded that I have unrestricted access to THE counsellor!

The Holy Spirit is my confidante. He is my support system. He is my security and my shield. He is my strength. He is my counsellor!

I guess that it seems appropriate to merge the following two topics. I kind of feel that they are linked somehow, anyway.

If you've read My Journey, you'll be familiar with my introduction to Christ. Here's a quick overview:

I grew up from the age of around two, in a very humble, small town Baptist church (UK Baptist, not American Baptist!) I knew all about Jesus. I knew about God. The finer details weren't really very well understood yet, but I knew about how God loved me and that He wanted me to be a good person and follow the narrow path. I considered myself a Christian and would tell everyone about it! I knew lots of Bible stories and songs but they were just stories and songs without understanding or feeling.

I had a couple of years as a teenager where I didn't attend church very regularly. Occasionally I joined my Mum at a Pentecostal church in a nearby town. I still loved God and wanted to be who He wanted me to be, but He wasn't as present in my life as He could have been.

**
Mum, if you're reading this, please stop here for now. I'm not ready to talk about this face-to-face just yet.
**

When I was fifteen, I begrudgingly entered into a relationship with a friend who had been obsessed with me for some time. I didn't like him in that way but our other friends convinced me to give him a chance, just for a few weeks, and see if it turned into anything.

He was controlling and possessive. Jealous and aggressive. I was fifteen and genuinely feared for my life around him.  A few months into our relationship, he took my virginity, without my consent, and then had the audacity to joke and boast about it. My mum's words kept coming back to my mind, "Your dad was my first, and that's how it should be." I was trapped. I was going to have to marry him and stay with him forever. Nobody else would want me now, anyway, and God would consider me yoked to him if we had 'lain together'. Would it be a sin for me to leave him now? Would I be promiscuous? Adulterous? Would I even survive another argument with him where he choked me up against the wall or locked me in the house? What is wrong with me that I get abused at every junction of my life?!

Five years and an unwanted mortgage later, I was still trying to get out. I was now 20 and had missed out on being a teenager. My friends were long gone as he didn't approve. I didn't see much of my family as he didn't like them. I didn't go to church as he didn't trust me. Every day he would go to work and I would pray that he was in a fatal car wreck or a freak accident on the building site. I fantasised about moving all my belongings out before he got home.

I found comfort in a new Bible I secretly bought for myself and sought refuge in the Religion and Spirituality forum on Yahoo Answers. I remember listening to Hillsong on my iPod, kneeling on the floor with tears streaming down my face, as I sought God's will for my life. I begged Him to take the situation out of my hands and to help me. I spent hours at a time, face down in the tear-soaked carpet, crying out for God to show me His will.

Show Me Your Way, and I Give You My Heart were the songs I broke my heart to, singing them with every fiber of my being. Desperately feeling each and every word and praying that He would rescue me.

I didn't know it at the time, but those broken, desperate days are when I became a true Christian. Where I truly opened my heart and invited Jesus in. When I begged Him to take over my life and use me in any way He saw fit for His purpose. I hadn't been to church for years, had given up on the Bible when Deuteronomy became too much to cope with, and my notepad was already full of questions from the first two books! I was lost and broken and without direction, but I became a Christian right there on that carpet.

I started going to the Pentecostal church again, and they were holding revival meetings at a local sports college. I felt God's presence as I never had before. I felt safe. A few weeks later I enquired about being baptised and was asked whether I was a Christian. At this point in my journey, I was very young and believed that I couldn't be a Christian as I hadn't said "the prayer" yet - the special 'becoming a Christian' prayer - I had been very careful throughout all my life to not pray or even read "the prayer" just in case my heart wasn't ready. So that night, with a member of the Pastoral Team, I suppose I officially invited Jesus into my heart and 'became a Christian'.

I spoke with a few members of the church, and had lots of prayer. I laid out mantles and tried to test God's will. One verse that was echoed around me by numerous people, was, Jeremiah 29:11 "“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

A little over a month later I found the strength to leave. It was difficult, and I was ill with stress and anxiety.

Over eight years later, I am happily married to a wonderful man. A man who is kind and considerate, who is respectful and understanding. I feel safe with him. He accepts my flaws, and my weaknesses. He understood and respected my need to wait. He supports my beliefs and respects my faith, and encourages me to make friends. We have a beautiful, intelligent, and happy, one-year-old son and my life is pretty great right now.

 Why, then, am I still afraid when I think I see him or hear his car. Why does his face still haunt my dreams? Why do I struggle with my mind replaying memories I'm desperate to forget?

I don't need a therapist. I need to get on my knees and pray. To talk to the only One who can help me. I don't need medication. I need to set aside the time to feed myself with the Word. I need to pray for a complete renewal of the mind. The enemy tells me I am not worthy, but the Blood of the Lamb screams that I am!

Healing comes in all shapes and sizes, and I have been promised my healing! I stand on the promises of the Most High God, and I claim that healing right now. In Jesus' name!

A Mother's Love

Apologies for the abandonment but I have a good excuse...

We have a son!

We were blessed with a beautiful and healthy boy in December, just over three weeks early due to the concerns over his well-being.

His name is Noah Peter and I can confidently speak for both myself and my husband when I say that we have never experienced a love like this.

I look down at his perfect and innocent face whilst I am nursing him and I am struck with awe at the miracle that he embodies. I am overwhelmed with so many emotions as I watch him sleep and I often have the realisation that he is real. A real-life human being and we made him through our love for one another.

How awesome is it that we have been entrusted with such an amazing responsibility: to bear children; populate the earth; teach a new generation of the wonders of God and the world He lovingly created!

Since becoming a mother I have a new sense of understanding and empathy for some of our favourite characters in the Bible.

Reading about Abraham being willing to sacrifice Isaac, after his long and desperate quest to get him, makes me worry.

Would I be able to do that?!

I don't think that God would ever put me in such a position; He had a specific plan for Abraham and needed to know that he trusted Him wholly.

God gave me my son. I prayed long and hard for him for many years before he was ever conceived. I knew that I would be blessed with a son, a Noah, I just didn't know how or when. With this in mind, I trust that the Lord has a plan, not only for me but also for him.

I sing to him and I sing over him. I speak God's blessings over his life and I read Bible stories to him - it's never too early to plant those seeds! I spent many hours, before and during my pregnancy, praying for him - that he would be healthy and happy. That I would be able to provide a warm and loving home and that I would be equipped to teach and nurture him. I so desperately want to be a mother who is good - not just "good enough", and I long for him to know that he can come to me with any problems or worries he may face in life and we will talk and pray together. I can't wait to teach him how to pray and to share all the questions and answers I've found along the way in my journey, so that he knows that it's OK and even a good thing to have questions!

I pray everyday that my son will grow to know and love the Lord and that I will succeed in my responsibility to bring him to know all about the goodness of God. I pray that he will answer God's call on his life and that he will be a mighty man of God who quickly finds his place in the Kingdom. That he will be a prayer warrior and that his passion for the lost will exceed even my own. I pray the same prayer I pray over my husband; that I will be second in his life, that nothing and no-one will ever come before his heavenly Father.

I read about the time that Mary was pregnant with Jesus, and when he was a tiny infant. Did she know what was ahead of Him? Did she look upon his peaceful face with a heart that was breaking because she knew what was coming only thirty short years away? Or did she smile in the belief that she would have her precious boy forever?

I can't even tolerate the thought that anything bad could happen to my son. I couldn't imagine it. The love I have for him is so alien to me. It is beyond words. I would give my life for him in a heartbeat.

But that's exactly what God did for us, isn't it?

We, His sons and daughters; His precious children who He created and knew so well that he could count the hairs on our heads, we needed Him. We were falling farther and farther away from His grace and He watched in despair as the world He lovingly created and furnished for us was crumbling into oblivion.

He gave up a part of himself. His only true Son, Jesus Christ, our Messiah. He allowed His pride and joy to come into our immoral world and sacrifice Himself for the rest of us.

I can't imagine doing that.

I guess it makes me even more thankful for God's mercy and grace. And I understand more (though I will never fully understand) His love for me.

I pray over my son daily. Lord, may he always be found righteous like the Noah of the Bible, and may he be a rock that you will build upon, like Peter of scripture.

It Was Then That I Carried You

My husband and I have had a pretty rough ride this year.  We've had an awful lot of trials and tests and while it's true that many of them are standard life trials, it seems that we've had more than our fair share. 

Without boring you with details, we've come up against obstacles and issues in practically every area of our lives, from employment, home and housing, finances, health, car problems, dog problems, family needs and so on... it's just been one thing after another.

The one area we have remained steadfast is in our relationship, and I really thank the Lord for that.  We have such a solid marriage and I'm so grateful that we complement each other so perfectly.

As you may recall from my last post, a while ago now, we are expecting our first child in January. There have been some complications and concerns which have seen us go to twice-weekly hospital appointments, and then I was admitted for monitoring. At this point in time we don't really know or understand what is happening; we have been advised that the best scenario may be to deliver within the next week or so, which would put us at anywhere between 31 and 33 weeks. All my plans and preparations go out of the window at this stage, which is difficult for a structure-loving planner such as myself, but is equally as necessary and non-negotiable, after all, we all just want the best for our children.

In these times, particularly this past few months or so, it would be so easy to feel that God has forsaken us. It would be so easy to point the finger heavenward and ask what He is playing at; to question His love for us and His ability or willingness to be our sustainer and provider.

When I have surrendered my life to the Lord and prayed on numerous occasions, face sodden with cascading tears; nose pressed into the carpet, for Him to just take control and lead me in the right direction... And I feel that I have not been answered, worse still, that I have been ignored, it becomes difficult to continue on.

I have prayed wholeheartedly for God to allow things to happen in HIS timing; for His will to be done in our lives. I am a firm believer in, "if God closes this door, there will be a reason". I prayed for Him to bless us with a child, when the time was right in His plan for our lives... It certainly didn't come at what I would consider the perfect timing as I had just left my job, but I trusted that God knows best and this is right and in line with His will.

Sometimes it can all become too much for me and I am not ashamed to admit that as a human being I feel defeated at times. I may sit and chew my nail polish off in anxiety, or break down in tears from stress or worry, or simply retreat into my little inward bubble and try to soothe or pacify myself somehow.

Some days I don't feel like doing anything, and even music doesn't help. I am a firm believer, though, in worshipping through the storm. Even when I don't feel particularly worshipful, when I really can't be bothered and it seems like quite a sacrifice to worship, that's when I think it's the most important time to do so!

One song which has never failed to help me when I'm in these slumps is Kari Jobe's "I Am Not Alone" (lyrics here). It is such a perfect reminder that even though we may face trials, even though we feel as though we're drowning in life's troubles, God is always there. He never, ever, leaves or forsakes us.

It is times like this when I have to remind myself of the beautiful story of the Footprints in the Sand. When I have to find the strength and faith to just trust that even though I feel alone and neglected in some areas of my life, I believe in a benevolent God; a Father who loves me beyond comprehension, and I am certain that in years to come when I look back on this difficult season and see only one set of footprints bearing the load, I will be comforted in knowing that not only was my Father carrying my burden for me, but He was carrying my exhausted and desperate body as well. 

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, 

and I will give you rest" 

- Matthew 11:28 (NIV)

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, 

I will fear no evil, for you are with me; 

your rod and your staff, they comfort me" 

- Psalm 23:4 (ESV)

- Lisa

Image - Footprints in the Sand - credit to euzhaphotography via DeviantArt - CLICK HERE FOR LINK

Video - Kari Jobe - I Am Not Alone (Live) - CLICK HERE FOR LINK

If you've never read the Footprints poem, you're really missing out. Here it is...

 Footprints

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.

Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.

Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,

other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed

that during the low periods of my life,

when I was suffering from

anguish, sorrow or defeat,

I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord,

that if I followed you,

you would walk with me always.

But I have noticed that during

the most trying periods of my life

there have only been one

set of footprints in the sand.

Why, when I needed you most,

you have not been there for me?”

The Lord replied,

“The times when you have

seen only one set of footprints,

is when I carried you.”

- Mary Stevenson

Egg on My Face (AKA Barrenness Revisited)

I'm not sure if you recall, but a while ago I posted about Barrenness. Specifically, my "gut feeling" that I am barren and my wondering whether this could be a physical infertility or more of a spiritual barrenness.

If you remember, I admitted that I had never had any inkling that there was a problem with me physically and that I was unsure about whether I should even post the article in fear of having serious "egg on my face" if it turns out there was never an issue!

Well, fast forward and I have to admit that the mush you are seeing all over my face is indeed, egg!

It turns out I am not physically barren, I am 24 weeks pregnant and we had no problems at all!

I had very severe morning (and day, and night) sickness and couldn't even bear to look at my laptop, much less sit down and think of anything interesting to write, for the majority of the first and halfway into the second trimester. I feel a lot better now, thankfully, and have stopped the medication I was prescribed for it.

This leads me to the conclusion, though, that the emptiness I felt within me; the stirring dread I have contended with for all these years, must be a spiritual diagnosis.

I don't know how to deal with this!

If I were physically infertile, there are many options. I might not have taken a lot of them but they're there. My husband and I discussed adopting at great length and we both agreed it was something we would most likely do. It may still be an option for us in the future.

But what can you do about infertility of the spiritual type?! I can't very well go and adopt someone else's spiritual fruits and gifts, can I?

What does the Bible tell us about barrenness?

I guess if we look at the commonly read stories, such as Sarah and Rachel, it seems that all they had to do was trust God. They had to stop trying to fix things for themselves and just sit back and wait for Him to do what He promised them.

It was only when they took the problem into their own hands, with the likes of Haggai and Bilhah, that the bigger issues surfaced. In Rachel's case, as soon as she submitted to God, she was blessed with a son of her own!

So I guess this tells me that there is nothing, really, that I can do. The emptiness I feel is most likely a symptom of my lack of a spiritual connection to God. I have been rather lukewarm as of late, and I see that now. I think that as I spend more time in His presence and seek His face more and more, I will be spiritually healed and will finally feel whole again!

I pray that the Lord will open my spritual womb, just as He opened the wombs of Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel and many more!

The General Election 2015

I have tried not to post too much in the way of politics as it is such a minefield. Some people are so passionate about their political views and others find it the most boring topic imaginable. I am in no way qualified in giving advice or even understanding politics, but I believe that it is such an important decision and I so desperately want to make my vote count!

With the General Elections fast approaching I felt that if I were ever going to post anything, it ought to be soon. Last time the General Elections came around I spent the whole day researching, as well as a week or so before, and was the very last person in the polling station before it closed for the day. I had been reading and re-reading manifestos and wanted to be sure I was making the right choice, for me. I was so conflicted last time and after reading and comparing their policies, I couldn't decide between the Tories and the Lib Dems (I guess the result was perfect for me at that time!)

So many people my age either stick their vote to the most relevent major party or simply choose not to vote at all. Most people in and around my area stick to the Party they have always voted for, or who their parents always voted for. Our area is very Labour-dominated. So much so that when I voted Conservative last year, I was berated by my family with tales of the mines being closed and Thatcherism. The thing is though, it's my vote and I will cast it in whichever way I see fit. I will never blindly vote, and any decision I come to is the result of a lot of research, reading and prayer!

This time around I don't associate so much with the Conservative's policies. I guess we all grow and change, and different things are important to us at different stages of our lives. At this point, my main focuses are on: Sanctity of Life; Sanctity of Marriage; Education (primarily religious studies and sex education).

From UCLU (click for link)

After my research it seems that of the major parties we have Labour, Conservative, Liberal Democrats, and more recently, UKIP. I've been reading the manifestos of the major players, and I don't particularly feel aligned to any of them (This article made me re-evaluate a few things). I moved on to a couple of the lesser-known minor parties, particularly those with strong Christian values. My husband tells me that if you don't vote for a major party, you might as well void your voting slip. He says that if you're going to vote, the only logical way is to put your vote to one of the top guns, otherwise it's practically wasted.

While I can see his point, I have to disagree with him. Yes, I understand that if I vote for a smaller party, it's much less likely that they'll get enough votes to make it into Parliament, and so it may appear to be a waste. However... as true as this may be, it's important to remember that our generation is not the be-all and end-all.

I think we all pray in desperation that Jesus will come back and claim His bride in our lifetime, but we can't hedge all our bets on this actually happening. I'm sure the Disciples thought it would be in their lifetimes... for all we know it could be another 2000 years! With this in mind, we have to think long-term.

As I tried explaining to my husband last night, it may be futile to think that my single vote will make any difference whatsoever. It may be borderline impossible for a minor party to be elected into power. The minor parties will most likely not get enough votes to even make a difference in a small way. They might, however, get enough votes to get a seat in the House of Commons. Fast forward another five years and they might get a few more. This is where it gets exciting!

When our grandchildren are old enough to vote, who knows what the House will look like? That minor party that I almost didn't vote for might just have enough seats to take over the whole place, or at least make their presence known! That minor party might finally become a frontrunner in the race to lead our country!

I'm definitely not letting their current position stop me from casting my vote on a party that I believe in!

It's time we had more Christians in Parliament. And not just any Christians; not just Nominal Christians and Christians by birthright. We want Spirit-filled and passionate Christ-followers!

There's still some time to do some research and make your vote count! I think I know where I'm leaning... do you?

I leave you with the same plea I gave in my last post, and ask you all to heed the advice given to us in 1 Timothy 2:1-3 and to stand with me in praying for our leaders; specifically our Parliamentary and Party leaders. As we face the last days and we look around to see our world crumbling, let's pray that those in charge have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind (1 Peter 3:8).

Let's change the world, through humility, compassion and pride in Jesus!

Humble Pie

Today I want to talk about humility.

What is humility? What does it mean to be truly humble? Is it the same as being modest? Can I be proud of my achievements and still be humble? Why is humility important? Is there really such thing as a Humble Pie?!



This isn't an actual Humble Pie
it's just a cherry pie I made
a few years ago!

It seems, from my research, that Humble Pie (or Umble Pie) is actually some kind of medieval meat pie... made from the offal (or, umbles) of animals, usually deer.

The idiom of "eating a slice of humble pie" generally means that one will apologise or publically accept that they were wrong. A kind of bringing oneself back down to earth and remembering that we are not always right.

So what does the Bible teach about humility?

There are over ONE HUNDRED mentions of  humility in the Bible. It seems that the Bible likens humility to meekness. Apparently the Colossians 3:12 use of the word is translated in Greek to, "lowliness of mind". I'm not sure I like this translation. I don't like to be thought of as meek or lowly.

But why does this bother me? We only have to look at some Christmas Carols to see that being meek and lowly was seen as being Christ-like. He was described as being "meek and mild" and lying in a "lowly manger".

I guess that I have an issue with the whole "meek and mild Jesus" thing anyway. Because when I think of Jesus, I don't think of a tiny baby, relying on his mother's milk to sustain him; I think of a benevolent, devastatingly scourged man, dying on the cross. In my mind He looks right in my eyes and tells me, "I love you, my child. This is for you". I then think of Him as a warrior, see my poems, I See You and Gentle Jesus. Definitely nothing meek about Him there!

 

With that being said, I think that humility is a great quality to have. It is a shame that in these days, there doesn't appear to be much of it left.

Let's look at the Gospels, to see what Jesus might have said about humility...

Matthew 23:12 tells us that whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted. This is echoed in Luke 14:11 which says for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted. John 3:30 portrays a similar message, He must increase, but I must decrease but it is Mark 9:33-37 which holds more of a punch for me:

 

And they came to Capernaum. And when he was in the house he asked them,

“What were you discussing on the way?” But they kept silent, for on the way

they had argued with one another about who was the greatest.

And he sat down and called the twelve. And he said to them,

“If anyone would be first, he must be last of all and servant of all.”

And he took a child and put him in the midst of them,

and taking him in his arms, he said to them,

“Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me,

and whoever receives me, receives not me but him who sent me."

 

So, it seems to me that Jesus is telling us that in order for us to achieve anything for His Glory, in order for us to be given the grace promised to us, we must first acknowledge that we are not the best. That there is someone and something higher than us. A reminder that we must do unto others as we would have them do unto us (Luke 6:31) and to put others first, at a higher priority than ourselves.  

 

It is by honouring others, that we will in turn, be honoured. Taking a step back and understanding, as it says in Romans 11:18 that it is not you who support the root, but the root that supports you. It is only then, when we are truly humbled and we accept our weaknesses, that we can embrace an Almighty God.

 

I suppose that until we have humility, we don't see the "need" for a God. We are so concerned with our own greatness that we don't ever think about our mortality. We don't ever think that we might need to rely on anyone else. It is only then, when we are reminded of our desperate worthlessness, that we can accept and appreciate the gift of Salvation which has been given to us. 

 

When we finally understand that we are so lost that we have no hope of ever saving ourselves; we have sinned so much that we can never even begin to ask for the forgiveness required; and as I have alluded to in my poem Help Me, we are nothing but tiny, insignificant paupers, begging on the streets of God's vast creation... Then we will acknowledge just how much we need a Saviour. And He is waiting in the wings, waiting to give us that grace that we so desperately seek.

 

We must replace our personal pride with the pride of Jesus. As it tells us in Galatians 6:14, But far be it from me to boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world.

 

Will you join me in my prayer for humility? As I pray, not only for myself, not just the people closely surrounding us in our family and work lives, but also for those further afield who so desperately need a touch of God's humble pie! Who need to be reminded that although they may be in a position of power now, there comes a day when all will fade away and we will be left with only ourselves and God (Isaiah 40:8 and Matthew 24:35).

 

I ask you all now to heed the advice given to us in 1 Timothy 2:1-3 and to stand with me in praying for our leaders: our church leaders; our work leaders; our individual country leaders. As we face the last days and we look around to see our world crumbling, let's pray that those in charge have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind (1 Peter 3:8).

 

Let's change the world, through humility, compassion and pride in Jesus!

Standing Up For God!

As some of you know, I haven't had an easy time in my job lately. It's no secret that I have felt persecuted because of my faith, on numerous occasions. The most recent occasion is still a fairly fresh wound and I wasn't sure whether I should post this or not.

Basically my usual day off is Friday but the company called me in on Good Friday to work. I explained to a few different managers that I would not be working as I am Christian and I consider Good Friday to be amongst the most important days of the year; the day we pray and reflect on what Jesus did for us on the cross.

To cut a VERY long story short, my manager told me I have to make a decision on what's more important to me; my job or my faith. Needless to say, I told him in no uncertain terms, that my faith comes first, before anything and everything in my life. It always has and it always will.

My last shift will be this Wednesday.

I don't actually have another job to go to, so I'd appreciate your prayers on that one, but I really felt that it was time for me to stand up and be counted. I have compromised so much and figuratively bent over backwards to try and accommodate them, at times seeming to compromise on my beliefs.

Occasionally I wonder if I've made the right decision, perhaps it's a stubbornness and I am simply unwilling to bend out of principle - which wouldn't be unlike me. I truly believe, though, that this decision goes above and beyond my own feelings. I believe it is a test of my faith and obedience - will I sit back and take it again, as I have done many times before, or will I stand up for God?!

So what now?

I have an interview at a nursery next week - this is working within my degree area, and something I really miss even though I'm terrified and have little confidence left. There's not much of a chance I'll get this job, but I've applied for over sixty jobs in the past week or so. I believe in a God who provides, His name is Jehovah-Jireh, and I am His child! I have faith that He will sustain and provide for me and my family during this time. I trust that He will honour my faith and obedience to Him and that He will open the right door for me!

I pray that this is all part of God's plan and will for my life. I know that His timing is perfect and that His ways are not ours. If He has brought me to this place in my life, you can be sure that there's a reason for it! I'm not sure what that reason is just yet. Whether it's something I've already prayed for and anticipated, or whether it's something completely new and scary exciting!

Please keep me in your prayers as I step out in faith into this new season!